America's Next Top Model - Cycle 16 (Episode 05 / Rachel Zoe)

Previously, on America's Next Top Model, blah, blah, blah.

The models make their way back to the crib and immediately start admiring the picture of Kasia, on the wall. See, she won best picture this week, and she feels like she totally deserved it because she worked really hard.

To be fair, she did a great job during the stupid, "sexy coffee" commercial. So, kudos to her.

However, she's a plus size model. So, ya know... she won't be winning.

Meanwhile, Molly continues to complain about her horrible weave.



She says that she's developed a rash from it and it's all itchy! Tyra promised to remove the bad weave job, at some point, and Molly says, she can't wait for this to happen.

Listen, Molly. If you only learn one thing from this silly competition, learn this. BEAUTY IS PAIN!!

The next morning, the models head off to some place to do something.



When they get to this place, they encounter Mr. Jay and his buddy, world renowned celebrity makeup artist, Vincent Oquendo (Mr. Vincent, if you're nasty!)

Mr. Jay continues to wave the "Top Model" carrot in the girls' faces, telling them that winning this competition will solidify their status as a top model and that is HUGE!

Shut up, Mr. Jay! Stop lying to these girls! If they're lucky, they'll get some catalog work with JC Penney, Target or Fingerhut.

Today's challenge: The models will be working on a "get the look" online video to help everyday, average cover girls take their look to the next level. Whatever that means.

When people use phrases like "the next level", it's usually because they've become too mentally exhausted from all of the bullshit they've been shoveling.

Mr. Vincent breaks down the rules of the challenge. The models will be split up into groups of three. One will be talent, one will write and one will direct.



Alexandria's team consists of her as talent, Molly as writer and Monique as director. Even though she's not the director, we all know that Alexandria is going to try and run shit.

As if on cue, Alexandria tries to take charge.

The other teams seem to be doing just fine, but, Team Alexandria is fighting, whining and being all unproductive.

Ten minutes left to go before they have to start shooting their commercial, and Alexandria whines that she doesn't feel like doing it, now.

Monique, being the AWESOME director that she is, says...

Monique: Do you want a hug, should we all hug or something? Do a three way kiss? Like, what's gonna make you feel happier?

Monique's three way kiss suggestion seems to delight Molly...

Molly: Let's have an orgy.

The fact that the first thing Monique suggested, to make Alexandria "happier", was some girl on girl action, earns her a prominent place in my "I Seriously Hope She's Lesbianish, Because That Would Be AWESOME!" Trunk 'O Wishes.

I'm just going to be honest, here. Monique has been my favorite from day one. Not because she has the most "top model" potential, but, because she's unbearably gorgeous.

It appears my shallowness knows no bounds. Yes. Yes, I know... I am part of the problem. SO?!

Mikaela rocks it, does a fantastic job, and her team wins the challenge.

Back at the ranch, Alexandria is crying on the phone with her boyfriend. She says that she's being looked at as different, because of, ya know, her bitchiness and stuff.

Cue Alexandria's backstory: She says that her parents split up because of abuse. She's the oldest child, so, she had to grow up fast. She wants the other girls in the house to understand that she's coming from a place of "helping".

Shyeah, the other girls totally don't get that.



They're all sitting around discussing Alexandria, asking if she's taking meds for her personality issues, etc.

Out of the blue, Monique suggests reading her diary. The other girls don't really try to stop her. Soooo, why not do it?!



In fairness to Monique, she only read the diary to see how Alexandria really feels about all of the other girls... and stuff.

Yeah, it was an uncool, shady thing to do. But, she's hot! So, it's okay. *cough*

Nothing juicy was found in the diary, not even bitchy comments about the other girls. How un-bitch-like of Alexandria!

What we did find out is that Alexandria has no idea why the other girls hate her and think she's a bossy bitch.

Hmmm, I think this episode was meant to try and redeem Alexandria. What could this mean?!

TYRA MAIL! mentions something about "taking a walk on the wild side." Hmmm, either the girls will be doing it gangbang style with Lou Reed OR, they'll be doing some picture taking with adorable animals!



The models make their way over to the old LA Zoo where Mr. Jay is waiting to guide them through, yet, another pointless faux modeling shoot.

SIDEBAR: A little Mr. Jay goes a long way. Where's Miss Jay?!

Anyway, Mr. Jay tells them that they will be transformed into fashion versions of animals. Weeeee! The girls are super excited about this, even though they have no idea what it entails.

For all they know, they could be forced to wear panda suits. Of course, the panda suits would be fierce, but, still.



The models get extra excited when they find out that they will be posing, wearing pieces from Rachel Zoe's faux fur collection. Yaaaaay, faux fur!

Also, they will be holding an adorable baby jaguar, named Murato.

Not for nothing, but, I would really love to have a baby jaguar as a pet. I could keep him for a few months, then, before he gets huge and decides to rip my throat out, I would release him into some stranger's backyard.

Hey, don't judge!

Most of the models do well on the shoot. But, ya' know, one of them still has to go home. :(

So, off they go to the judges' table to be, you know, judged.



I'm always amazed at the big, happy smile on Alexandria's face. She, clearly, has no idea that she is loathed.

I was really hoping that the guest judge, this week, would be the baby jaguar. He'd be sitting behind the judges' table wearing a beret, some aviator glasses and a smirk. He'd be, all, "That bitch was tryin' to upstage Murato. UNACCEPTABLE!"

But, it was just Rachel Zoe and her ginormous finger broach.



So, which models are in the bottom two, this week?



Awww, it's Molly "bad weave" and Dalya.

Unfortunately, Dalya is asked to pack up her makeup bag and go home. Too bad. Dalya has a great face and bone structure. IMO, she went home too early. Oh well... "It's Tyra's vision, girl."

Be sure to join me next time for another snark filled adventure...!

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