March 14, 2011

America's Next Top Model - Cycle 16 (Episode 03 / Lori Goldstein)

Previously, on America's Next Top Model... some girl was sent packing.

The models arrive back home to see Hannah's picture hanging on the wall. Everybody's all, "look how beautiful she is and stuff... Oh, what's that?!"

First of all, if you ever see a "Pull Me" sign or some strange man asks you to pull anything, you should run the other way. But, no! These girls make a beeline for the "Pull Me" sign, and, of course, they pull it. Amateurs!

A screen falls down and it's filled with all sorts of different makeover descriptions.


All of the girls stand around trying to guess what their makeovers will be.

Sara opines that she's pretty sure she'll get the "Manly Short Brown Spikes" because she's considered the "androgynous" one.

She says that she enjoys being androgynous, but, sometimes a girl just wants to get all tarted up. She implores Tyra to give her a weave and/or some extensions.

The next morning, the models head to a salon for their fabulous new makeovers...

Umm, hold up. I'm gonna need a minute to fully process the look Miss Jay is going for, right here. *takes a tequila break*

Meanwhile, back at the salon, the Jays tell the girls that, after they get their makeovers, there will be a photo shoot.

The models are still a wee bit nervous because none of them wants to get their hair cut. They all whine about it... incessantly.

SERIOUSLY?! This show has been on since the early 70s! Every season, some makeover involves hair cutting. SHUT UP ABOUT IT, ALREADY!

Most of the makeovers go very well... Most of them.

Poor Molly. She looks like Dee Snider coming off of a weekend long meth bender. Understandably, she's miserable about it. Ya' know, because it's hideous. But, Molly is a trooper and doesn't really complain... too much.

On the limo ride home, Molly is a super unhappy camper.

Of course, all the other bitches take this opportunity to, basically, point and laugh at her because of the jacked up weave.

Alexandria tells Molly that she should have gone all Diva, on the hair stylist, when she realized that the weave was a lost cause.

She was, all, "you shoulda been, like, nuh uhn, bitch. No, you didn't just jack my weave. Nuh uhn. Naw, no way. Naw. Get Tyra on the muthafuckin phone!"

Alexandria gives really bad advice, and, yes.. we still hate her.


Tyra mails are always stupidly cryptic. This one says something about photosynthesis. Some of the girls think they'll be doing a photo shoot dressed as flowers. But, most of them just, kind of, stare blankly at the screen.

McLovin? Is that you?

Sara steps into the diary room to whine about her short hair.

Listen, Sara. The sooner you realize that this has absolutely nothing to do with you, and EVERYTHING to do with TYRA'S VISION, the better off you will be!

The next morning, the girls visit some sort of ranch where they meet fashion stylist, Lori Goldstein.

Mr. Jay tells them that today is all about couture and they will be posing in groups of couture awesomeness!

For some reason, every "couture" shoot on ANTM has the models dressed up like 17th century gothic whores. What's that about? Oh yeah, it's Tyra's vision.

Not for nothing, but, Dominique's new makeover kind of makes her look like the Cowardly Lion's daughter. Is that the look Ty Ty was going for?

Dominique is sad because during the gothic whores couture shoot, Mr. Jay gave her some constructive critiques. He tells her that the worst thing a model can NOT have is inspiration. This makes Dominique cry.

Seems to me that there are other "worst things a model can NOT have" that would trump "inspiration." How about teeth, Mr. Jay? Or, a normal sized forehead? Two eyes (non-crossed, preferably)?

I suspect that Mr. Jay just wanted some camera time, and just made that shit up, on the spot.

Uh oh...

It's time for the girls to go stand before the judges and allow them to summarily critique, belittle and advise them to seriously consider getting or keeping their day jobs.

At this point, I'm convinced that Andre's chimney sweep hat has been stapled to his head. Every week? Seriously?

One by one, the girls step forward in groups. First up is Monique and Alexandria. All of the judges agree that Alexandria stands out in the group photo, however... being a whiny diva bitch, on set, when you are, essentially, a nobody in the industry is unacceptable. I'm paraphrasing.

Alexandria looks as if she's about to cry. Hahahahahaha! Good stuff.

When Dominique's group steps up, Nigel says that she just looked lost, in her group shot. Tyra says that it looked as if she'd lost her spirit. And.... Dominique, pretty much, agrees.

Bottom two, this week...

Cowardly Lion's daughter and McLovin. So, who goes home?

Unfortunately, Dominique is asked to pack up her makeup bag and go home. Kinda sucks, because, she had a fun personality.

Be sure to join me next time for another snark filled, potentially, angry recap of America's Next Top Model!

Comments and feedback always welcome. Also, feel free to stalk me on The Twitter @XanxiuZ.

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