March 3, 2011

America's Next Top Model - Cycle 16 (Episode 02)

Episode two opens with the girls coming home, presumably, from some magical place where pretty people sit around, strategizing about how to make average looking girls feel more average.

Molly won best picture last week, so all of the other models stand around, looking at Molly's picture, pretending to be happy for her. I like Molly. She seems very grounded and genuine. Of course, this is only episode 2, so, this might change.

Cut to Alexandria, yet again, forcing unwanted advice on someone. This time, it's poor, old looking Nicole who is on the receiving end of Alexandria's wisdom. What is up with this chic?

Think back to your college days. Remember that bitch who thought she was all sophisticated and knew everything, about life, because she spent a summer in France? That same girl that everybody in the dorm avoided because she would inject herself into other people's conversations, and, on occasion, say shit in french for NO GOOD REASON! Yeah, that's Alexandria. We, kind of, hate Alexandria. And by "we", I mean "me".

Ondrei and Dominique are relaxing on the couch, eating pizza and talking about stuff. Ondrei opens up about a recent family tragedy.

Dominique: You got brothers and sisters?

Ondrei: Two of my brothers died.

Then, Dominique makes this face...

I'm really not trying to be judgmental, but... this is sooo not the face to make when someone tells you that two of their siblings recently died. Dominique looks as if someone just told her that they eat buggers as snacks.

The next morning, Tyra comes visiting along with a nutritionist named Heather Bauer. Heather is there to try and teach the girls about proper nutrition. Ya' know, 'cause Skittles and blow are definitely NOT parts of the food pyramid.

Apparently, Brittani, having just come back from auditioning for Showboat,

is very excited to see Tyra and the nutritionist lady.

Heather has invented something called "Cheaties". The definition of "Cheaties" is things that seem bad, but, aren't. Hmm, I wonder if this applies to strippers? Whatever. Not important.

So, Tyra and the nutritionist lady have devised a little taste testing game for the models: While blindfolded, they taste two dishes and try to pick the healthiest dish.

The models fail miserably and pick the wrong, unhealthy dishes. So, I guess it's true what they say about pretty girls... they have horrible palettes.

Later on in the evening, some of the girls, having been inspired after chatting with the nutritionist lady, decide to clean out the fridge. They encounter something disgusting in a bowl.

Of course, this is Alexandria's cue to come over and start spouting off. Have I mentioned how much we hate her?

Anyway, so, she and Dalya get into it because Dalya thinks raw chicken should not be in a bowl, but wrapped in plastic. Alexandria points out to Dalya that she spent a summer in France, therefore, she's a raw chicken expert.

Dalya walks away, correctly surmising that Alexandria is crazy.

Even after Dalya has walked away, Alexandria is still yammering on that she's aware that raw chicken should be wrapped in plastic, even though she's the one who put it in a bowl. Shyeah.

Jaclyn, aka Scared Deer in Headlights, is afraid of Alexandria, saying, "she could woop my butt." Yes, I'm sure that she could.

Apparently, Alexandria was so upset about the Raw Chicken dustup, she needed to vent about it in the diary room.

This is the look she decided to go with *cough*

Jesus on a cracker, it's a modeling competition! I mean, shouldn't you, at least, try to look attractive? I'm pretty sure I gave this woman $2 bucks to wash my windshield, last week.

Moving on...


The models discover that they are about to face their worst critic. Ooooh, scary. Of course, all of us ANTM veterans know this means the ACTING CHALLENGE!

The girls meetup with Nigel and acting coach, Eugene Buica. They are there to do battle with their "inner critic." Inner critic? Have none of these girls ever had a mother? *rimshot*

The models have to draw a picture of their inner critic, then yell at it and tell it to shut up, go away and stop sending all of those inappropriate, late night text messages!

One by one, they get up to face their inner critic, and, to just vent a little. All of their silly insecurities are overshadowed by Ondrei's vent.

Ondrei vents about the deaths of her two brothers and how the men in her life, who should be sharing this moment with her, are not there. It's very, very sad. And powerful. Everybody is crying. At this point, I really just wanted to climb through my TV and give her a big hug. But, as I am not that little girl from The Ring, that wasn't going to happen.

Because jewelry makes everything better, the models each get a pair of lovely ear rings from J. Estina Jewelers.

The next day, the models head off to a photo shoot. When they arrive, Mr. Jay tells them that they will be taking pictures while bees attack their faces. BEES! LOTS AND LOTS OF BEES! Not for nothing, but, this segment really ratcheted up my bug phobia. It's a thing. I hate bugs. ALL BUGS. Bees are bugs!

As this photo shoot is just stupid, we're gonna fast forward. Suffice it to say that the killer BEES didn't kill anybody. They didn't even sting anybody. BORING!

Back at the ranch, Ondrei is talking about how she's there but not really there. Basically, she's thinking about going home.

Meanwhile, at the judges table, Andre Talley is still sporting that damn chimney sweep hat.

Andre, sweetie, I get that you are an influential fashionista. But, seriously, the hat. People are talking.

Tyra calls Ondrei up, first. Ondrei says that the photo shoot did not go well because she did not give 100%. She says she's very appreciative of the opportunity, but, she wants to go home, due to her family situation.

So, Ondrei leaves and the models all think they are safe. Psych! Tyra tells them that, even though Ondrei has left, if any of them had worse pictures than Ondrei, they will go home. WTF? I call no fair and bullshit on that!

Unfortunately, Nicole (who Tyra said looks 15 years older in her pictures) is asked to pack up her makeup bag and go home.

Be sure to join me next time for my ANTM recaps.

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  1. Very funny stuff! I'm happy I stumbled upon this blog. :)

  2. Anonymous7:38 AM

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