October 29, 2009

Am I the only GAY who doesn't watch GLEE?

I feel like I'm the only gay on the planet who's not crazy in love with Glee. I recall being, somewhat, excited about the show several months ago. The promos looked fun, kind of Fame meets Freaks and Geeks. I was, sort of, intrigued. I say sort of because, well, I suspected there would be rampant lip singing and that concerned me. With some reservations, I watched the pilot of Glee.

Me whenever Jane Lynch was on screen:

Me whenever there was wanton lip singing:

See, I'm one of those rare people who is actually allergic to lip singing, and by extension, lip singers. I have a visceral response. When I witness people lip singing, I have, what can only be described as an Incredible Hulk like reaction. Okay, maybe more like Teen Wolf after some extensive electrolysis. I get this overwhelming urge to repeatedly punch the annoying lip singer square in their mug, while screaming, "Cut it out! That's not you singing! Stop moving your mouth, you bastard!"

Let me explain.

My hatred of lip singing began several years ago. I was a music director for a radio station and we did lots and lots of live events, hanging out at clubs, etc. This particular night, it was kind of a team bonding thing. Ya' know, one of those, "hey, let's all go and hang out together for a bit of forced socializing. It'll be awkwardly fun, sort of."

So, we all decide to meet up at this bar/lounge. I walk in and am instantly uncomfortable. There are way too many people wearing cowboy hats and belt buckles the size of a six month old baby's head.

As I'm wandering around, in search of my co-workers, I hear the haunting refrains of one of my favorite songs. I'm starting to feel a bit better about the night out with my co-worker peeps. Unfortunately, my mood quickly changes when I turn around and see some odd looking, fat dude up on stage lip singing Alice In Chains' "Would."

My first impulse was to jump up on stage, get the fat dude in a headlock and rabbit punch him until be began to speak French. Then, beat him some more until he had spoken several other foreign languages. But, because I'm a fuckin' lady, I didn't do that! Also, I was, like, the only brown person in that bar and probably would have been beaten to death by all the scary hillbilly types.

I managed to endure another thirty minutes of drunk, overly animated lip singing. I was treated to everything from "Spirit in the Sky" to some country shit that I had never heard before. Finally, having taken as much as I could, I pretended that I had been stabbed, stumbled out of the bar to my car and sped away from that bar as if I had stolen something.

Long story short, I don't like lip singing.

Note to the gay mafia: Please don't take away my gay privileges as I really enjoy being gay and stuff, I just don't like Glee... or show tunes or flannel. Also, not too fond of Liza. *cough*

October 17, 2009

America's Next Top Model: Cycle 13(Ep#7) - Fierce Little Ninjas!

Previously on America's Next Top Model... Somebody got sent home.

The snarkfest begins with Nicole being upset because she doesn't think her personality is shining through.

In fact, Tyra told her that she had "lost all of her magic." Nicole is determined to change that and show us her real personality... Someday.

Meanwhile, in another room, Kara - using her pre-op tranny voice - tells the rest
of the modelettes that she's now casting for her new musical, "America's Next Top Model: The Musical"

Doesn't she know that Tyra will cut a bitch for messin' with any of Bankable Productions' shit?

The uber blonde girl get's up to "audition" for the new musical, and basically, makes fun of the fact that Laura is from the country and, quite possibly, a hillbilly.

Laura's a good sport and smiles through uber blondy's singing imitation of her. But, you just know that she's gonna put in a call to her uncle, Papa Jupiter, so that uber blonde girl can be dealt with, post-haste!

After the girls have sufficiently calmed down after receiving, yet, another piece
of Tyra mail!, the mean bitches decide that it's time to talk trash about Nicole... Again.

Kara: We should just vote Nicole off the island.
Rae: It's not her lack of social skills, it's a
lack of feeling... It's a lack of soul.
Kara: She has the social graces of a fetus.

The mean girls all cackle in unison.

Okay, even though I kind of loathe Kara, that social graces of a fetus comment
was priceless and I will be using it!

Moving on...

The girls head off to revisit the Wilhelmina Modeling Agency to meet up with Wilhelmina CEO, Sean Patterson. Sean is standing next to, yet, another supermodel named Lauren Shiohama.

Sean tells the modelettes that they are about to experience "a day in the life
of a real working model."

The girls are informed that they are all going on go-sees to meet potential clients. The girls will meet with fashion designers and casting directors
for their auditions.

They are broken up into teams of two, given their own car to get around LA in
and a map. This shit has Lucy and Ethel written all over it.

The girls race around LA from trying to complete all five go-sees within four hours.

There's not as much go-see drama as on previous seasons, unfortunately. In fact, they all play rather well together. Boring!

The fashion designers and casting directors have various critiques for the girls, ranging from positive to just mean.

Nicole gets really good feedback while Kara, not so much. One of the designers
said that Kara did not look well put together and that her hair looked greasy. Another designer described her as "scruffy". That can't be good.

In front of the casting director's, the girls are asked if they do any accents. Laura's was my favorite. She described it as "hoodrat" but it's more like a Gaelic hoodrat.

One of the casting directors had this to say about Sundai...

Casting Director: Sundai, she's very limited in what she can give us, so it
would have to be for a very specific job calling for what Sundai can offer.

Translation: If we are casting for a Kool-Aid or Popeye's chicken commercial, we will consider Sundai.

As they were driving around LA with their maps, I found myself really hoping
that one of the teams would get lost in East LA. Ohhh, what fun that would
be to see.

All of the teams make it back to Wilhelmina in time except Rae and Sundai.

Sean P. is not amused that Rae and Sundai were late getting back. He reads them the riot act and tells them to leave the room and he'll deal with them later.

The expression on his face never really changes and he doesn't raise his voice,
but, I'm pretty sure that he is kind of pissed.

Sean and Lauren give the modelettes their feedback and then reveal the winner...

Back at the ranch, all the girls gather around Nicole and her lovely prizes from
the last challenge.

One of the uber blonde girls says, "they might have just wanted you to win."
Without missing a beat, Nicole shoots back, "no, I earned this." And that,
ladies and gentlemen, is how you shut down a jealous beotch.

Speaking of jealous beotches...

Kara and Sundai resume their "we hate Nicole" trash talking fest. Kara is still having difficulty understanding why Nicole is doing so well and she is not.

Hmm, yeah... I wonder why you're not doing better in this competition either.
Hmm, yeah.


The girls head off to a martial arts studio to learn the ways of martial artistness and how to use weapons... while up on a wire!

I'll be honest, I kind of lost interest at this point.

Because I believe that video ALWAYS enhances an experience, here's one of Nicole critiquing Kara's smokey eye makeup. My favorite part of this clip is Sundai's reaction at the end.

Back at the crib, the girls are comparing bruises they all got from wearing the martial arts harness.

Why does the word 'harness' conjure up so many dirty thoughts? yeah, right, it's just me.

Sundai is concerned that she may be the one sent home because she knows that her performance at the last shoot sucked, PLUS, she pissed off Sean Patterson by being late back from her go-sees.

The next morning is judgment day and one of the girls will no longer be in the running to be America's Next Top Model.

The guest judge this week is supermodel Jessica White. Jessica is hot and you can tell that she knows it.

The girls are super impressed that Jessica has been in the SI Swimsuit edition
seven times.

Each girl strolls up and has their picture critiqued by the judges. Then they
all leave so the judges can decide which one of them sucks the most.

I love Tyra's serious face as she's about to take the hopes and dreams of some poor delusional young girl and crush them.

Nicole wins best picture of the week. The two modelettes who suck the most are...

No surprise that Kara and Sundai are in the bottom two this week. Tyra laments
that Kara has a great face but no passion. Sundai is the underdog but needs to
be more versatile.

So, who's going home this week?

Kara is asked to pack up her makeup bag and go. Even though Kara was definitely
not my favorite, for a variety of reasons, I felt kind of bad for her at the end.

Ahh well, that's life in the big city, kids. Be sure to join me every Saturday
for a new snark infested, fun-filled ANTM recappery.

October 11, 2009

America's Next Top Model: Cycle 13(Ep#6) - Let's Dance!

Hey kids, it's time for another snark filled recap of America's Next Top Model: The wee girls...

I know this is late, but, but... I have a life 'ya know? Okay, I really don't, I was just being kind of lazy this week. A thousand pardons, etc, etc.

On with the snark!

When we peek in on the girls, they are all talking about the last photo shoot. Ashley says that she hated being in the bottom two and was surprised when Tyra told her how difficult it was to get a good picture of her.

Cut to Nicole sitting on the floor of the bedroom chattering with some of the girls. Apparently, Nigel told Nicole that she talks like a stoner... then
proceeded to ask her if she was holding.

All of the girls quickly agree that Nicole does, indeed, talk like a stoner... and then they all asked if she was holding.

Meanwhile, Kara is complaining about stuff...

She says that if Nicole or Erin wins, she'll be the "oh, you were on Nicole's season" girl.

She goes on to mumble that she's not a big fan of Nicole's and that she tries to avoid her as much as possible. Whatever goatwoman! The sooner you get booted and have to go back to your job working the nightshift at the Dairy Queen, the happier I will be! Oh, have I mentioned that Nicole is my favorite?


Jennifer laments that Nicole might make it far, but she won't make it all the way.

Apparently, that lazy eye of hers allows her to see into the future.


The girls make their way to a dance studio where they meet up with the fiercest gay man on the planet...

Benny Ninja!

He's gonna teach the girls about dancing, the primary differences between good and bad touch and how to look fierce while standing with your legs really far apart.

Benny emphatically tells the girls that all of the best dancers are short. The only evidence he has to support his claim is... Lil Mama?!

During her Debbie Allen inspired speech to the girls, Lil Mama is interrupted...

One by one, the girls get up and embarrass themselves by displaying their inability to bust a move.

Tiring of their non Footloose like ways, Lil Mama introduces them to some real dancers... The Blue Man Group!

Oh wait, that's not Blue Man, that's the Jabba Walkers! The girls are all excited, even though they have no idea who these guys are.

Lil Mama explains to the girls that they will be doing a performance tonight. She proceeds to break them up into groups of three, and sends them on their way to learn the ways of the dancing.

Their dance needs to express happiness, sadness and anger. Everytime I watch this show, I experience many emotions. Usually, it devolves into yelling and throwing things at my TV screen.

Ashley is not happy about her team, which includes Nicole and Erin. She says that Nicole and Erin are the two least coordinated girls in the house.

At first, I was all... well, maybe they can learn some dance moves, give them a chance. Then, I saw them "rehearsing".

Nicole and Erin look as if they have never voluntarily moved the lower halves of their bodies... ever. It's like they were raised in Beaumont, Tx or something (yes, another Footloose reference. Keep up!).

Suffice it to say that their team performance was positively awful. At the end of their routine, Nicole gave Benny Ninja an extended death stare. He was not impressed.

The Mean Girls' team (Jennifer, Kara and Rae) won. Booo!

When the girls get back to the house, Ashley begins to whine about how depressed she is and saying that she doesn't know what she's doing wrong. Ashley calls her mom and mom gives her a nice pep talk. Good news is, Ashley has an awesome mom. Bad news is, she's probably going home.

The next morning, the girls are awakened by Mr. Jay via video mail.

Whenever I see Mr. Jay, I always have the same thought. That thought is that he reminds me of a gay elf like creature with frosted tips and really tight pants.

Mr. Jay informs them that they are taking a trip to Sin City, Las Vegas for their next photo shoot! Yay!

When the wee models arrive in Las Vegas, they are immediately blind-folded and taken to an undisclosed location where they encounter Mr. Jay's evil twin and his evil minions.

The girls get all dolled up Cirque de Soleil style and prepare for their closeups.

The modelettes strike their poses, but Mr. Jay is not impressed and the girls pickup on this.

Back at the Ponderosa, the girls get some Tyra mail letting them know that one of them will be wished into the cornfield sometime tomorrow.

Kara's in the kitchen talking trash about Mr. Jay saying that he just didn't care enough to give them any kind of constructive criticism. Of course, this means she will probably be in the bottom two this week.

The girls assemble in front of the judges, Tyra, Nigel, Miss J and special guest star, supermodel Josie Maran.

Josie's credits include several cable TV commercials, two episodes of 21 jump Street and that lost episode of Simon & Simon, the one where Rick flips out and shoots up an Ihop. Wait, what?!

The judges slowly strip away at what remains of the modelettes' self-esteem... I mean, they critique the girls' pics from the last photo shoot and then send the girls away so they can talk about them behind their backs.

Not surprisingly, the bottom two this week are...

Kara and Ashley stand before Queen Tyra and await their fate. I was really hoping that Kara would get the boot because she just, kind of, annoys the hell out of me.

Unfortunately, Ashley was asked to pack up her makeup bag and go. Sad panda. I thought for sure that Ashley would go a bit further, especially because she was hand picked by Tyra. Ahh well, that's life in the big city.

Be sure to join me every Friday for my ANTM recaps. Comments, feedback always welcome. Oh yeah, follw me on Twitter www.twitter.com/XanxiuZ

October 2, 2009

America's Next Top Model: Cycle 13(Ep#5) - The Beauty Shot!

Hey kids, I'm back with another action packed, snark filled recap of America's Next Top Model... for short girls. Sorry I missed last week's episode, but, I was on vacation in Los Angeles. Hmm, can you actually take a vacation if you are unemployed? Whatever, I did.

The snarkfest begins with Kara spending half the morning staring at her picture on the wall.

Kara: I'm just glad that it's here in the house to remind me everyday of how awesome I am.

Kara is, apparently, unaware that having oddly assembled facial features and teeth twice the size of the average adult is not sexy. She'll learn.

Later on that day, the girls go to meet with world famous makeup artiste, Sam Fine.

Even though Sam looks as if someone forcibly rubbed the lower half of his face in soot, he's apparently a makeup authoritah! He stresses the importance of being able to do your own makeup.

Sam demonstrates one of his (and Tyra's) favorite makeup techniques on Wanda Sue's grand-daughter, easily excitable Laura. It's called the 'Smokey Eye' look.

Or as we non-model types call it, the 'Drunk Racoon' look.

After their visit with Sam, the makeup man, the girls head on over to the local Walmart. For some odd reason, Nigel and his hot wife, Christy are loitering in the Walmart parking lot.

Laura, who seems to be amazed and impressed by EVERYTHING, exclaims, "Oh my God, they're the most beautiful people in the world!" Yes Laura, they are the most beautiful people in the world.

Nigel and his hot wife, Christy explain to the girls that they are here at the Walmart for a makeup task! The objective of the task is for the girls to learn how to create that "model basic" look, the look that's perfect for go sees.

The girls begin racing around the store searching for strategically placed items of clothing, shoes, makeup, etc. Apparently, Erin thinks this is a bloodsport because she's taking no prisoners. She's pushing other girls and takes every opportunity to sabotage the other modelettes.

It was all for naught because she did not win the task, Sundai did.

Sundai is very excited because, apparently, Walmart is her mom's favorite store. With that $1,000 gift certificate, she can pretty much buy one of everything in the store.

Back at the house, some of the girls are bitching about how Erin was being all overly competitive at the Walmart and stuff. And they didn't like it.

On the way to their next photo shoot, the bitching girls are still, well, bitching about Erin at the Walmart. This upsets Erin and she turns on the water works.

Bianca notices that Erin is a sad panda and this causes more talking to occur. Bianca opines that it's okay to be competitive, but not to play dirty. She advises Erin to just apologize and move the hell on. Erin responds that she doesn't think she played dirty, "I didn't push anyone, I pushed through people." Blah, blah, blah.

By the time the girls arrive to the photo shoot, the crying and whining jags have ended. They walk into the studio and see something resembling a mannequin with a whole lotta junk in the trunk.

They unwrap the mannequin and surprise, it's Tyra in a onsie!

Tyra lets the modelettes know that she will be photographing them, today. They all pretend to be super excited by this.

Today, the girls will work on mastering their "Beauty shot." The girl who wins gets immunity and will be safe from elimination this week.

Tyra explains that the modelettes will be wearing scarves for their shoots, just like Tyra wears at bedtime.

Apparently, it's really super important that the wee modelettes master the "Beauty shot" 'cause who wants to be reminded of how short they really are?

Tyra begins to snap, snap away with her camera. There are various awkward wedgie flashes because the outfits the girls are wearing were designed for toddlers.

Brittany wins the scarf shoot challenge with a picture of her face covered by her scarf. Okay.

...and the other girls are just jealous.

You just know they were all thinking, "I can't believe that bitch won. She's not fierce, not like me! I hate her!"

Back at the ranch, Bianca expresses her concern at being in the bottom two so often. She feels that her last photo shoot should put her close to the top of the pack.

As the Sword of Damocles hovers above her head, she actually says, "I'm not getting eliminated." Well, it was nice knowing you, Bianca.

Later on that evening, the girls all gather together in front of the judges, Tyra, Nigel, Miss J and special guest star, miniature super model, China Chow. The cool thing about China Chow's name is that she could be a James Bond girl or villain with that name.

Of course, none of the girls know who China is, but they pretend that they do.

Tyra begins whipping out pics of the wee modelettes who get to stay for, at least, another week. It begins to become obvious who the bottom two will be.

Of course, we are not surprised at the two girls standing there. We knew it would be Ashley and Bianca. well, at least, I did.

Tyra says they are both awesome and beautiful, but in a non top modeley kind of way. So, unfortunately, one has to kick rocks and get the hell on.

Bianca is asked to pack up her makeup bag and go. Kinda sucks because I think Bianca has a great look. Any girl with features strong enough to rock the Sinead O'connor look is pretty hot. Ahh well, that's life in the big city, kids.

Be sure to join me every Friday for my ANTM recaps. Comments, feedback always welcome.