October 29, 2009

Am I the only GAY who doesn't watch GLEE?

I feel like I'm the only gay on the planet who's not crazy in love with Glee. I recall being, somewhat, excited about the show several months ago. The promos looked fun, kind of Fame meets Freaks and Geeks. I was, sort of, intrigued. I say sort of because, well, I suspected there would be rampant lip singing and that concerned me. With some reservations, I watched the pilot of Glee.

Me whenever Jane Lynch was on screen:

Me whenever there was wanton lip singing:

See, I'm one of those rare people who is actually allergic to lip singing, and by extension, lip singers. I have a visceral response. When I witness people lip singing, I have, what can only be described as an Incredible Hulk like reaction. Okay, maybe more like Teen Wolf after some extensive electrolysis. I get this overwhelming urge to repeatedly punch the annoying lip singer square in their mug, while screaming, "Cut it out! That's not you singing! Stop moving your mouth, you bastard!"

Let me explain.

My hatred of lip singing began several years ago. I was a music director for a radio station and we did lots and lots of live events, hanging out at clubs, etc. This particular night, it was kind of a team bonding thing. Ya' know, one of those, "hey, let's all go and hang out together for a bit of forced socializing. It'll be awkwardly fun, sort of."

So, we all decide to meet up at this bar/lounge. I walk in and am instantly uncomfortable. There are way too many people wearing cowboy hats and belt buckles the size of a six month old baby's head.

As I'm wandering around, in search of my co-workers, I hear the haunting refrains of one of my favorite songs. I'm starting to feel a bit better about the night out with my co-worker peeps. Unfortunately, my mood quickly changes when I turn around and see some odd looking, fat dude up on stage lip singing Alice In Chains' "Would."

My first impulse was to jump up on stage, get the fat dude in a headlock and rabbit punch him until be began to speak French. Then, beat him some more until he had spoken several other foreign languages. But, because I'm a fuckin' lady, I didn't do that! Also, I was, like, the only brown person in that bar and probably would have been beaten to death by all the scary hillbilly types.

I managed to endure another thirty minutes of drunk, overly animated lip singing. I was treated to everything from "Spirit in the Sky" to some country shit that I had never heard before. Finally, having taken as much as I could, I pretended that I had been stabbed, stumbled out of the bar to my car and sped away from that bar as if I had stolen something.

Long story short, I don't like lip singing.

Note to the gay mafia: Please don't take away my gay privileges as I really enjoy being gay and stuff, I just don't like Glee... or show tunes or flannel. Also, not too fond of Liza. *cough*

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