October 2, 2009

America's Next Top Model: Cycle 13(Ep#5) - The Beauty Shot!

Hey kids, I'm back with another action packed, snark filled recap of America's Next Top Model... for short girls. Sorry I missed last week's episode, but, I was on vacation in Los Angeles. Hmm, can you actually take a vacation if you are unemployed? Whatever, I did.

The snarkfest begins with Kara spending half the morning staring at her picture on the wall.

Kara: I'm just glad that it's here in the house to remind me everyday of how awesome I am.

Kara is, apparently, unaware that having oddly assembled facial features and teeth twice the size of the average adult is not sexy. She'll learn.

Later on that day, the girls go to meet with world famous makeup artiste, Sam Fine.

Even though Sam looks as if someone forcibly rubbed the lower half of his face in soot, he's apparently a makeup authoritah! He stresses the importance of being able to do your own makeup.

Sam demonstrates one of his (and Tyra's) favorite makeup techniques on Wanda Sue's grand-daughter, easily excitable Laura. It's called the 'Smokey Eye' look.

Or as we non-model types call it, the 'Drunk Racoon' look.

After their visit with Sam, the makeup man, the girls head on over to the local Walmart. For some odd reason, Nigel and his hot wife, Christy are loitering in the Walmart parking lot.

Laura, who seems to be amazed and impressed by EVERYTHING, exclaims, "Oh my God, they're the most beautiful people in the world!" Yes Laura, they are the most beautiful people in the world.

Nigel and his hot wife, Christy explain to the girls that they are here at the Walmart for a makeup task! The objective of the task is for the girls to learn how to create that "model basic" look, the look that's perfect for go sees.

The girls begin racing around the store searching for strategically placed items of clothing, shoes, makeup, etc. Apparently, Erin thinks this is a bloodsport because she's taking no prisoners. She's pushing other girls and takes every opportunity to sabotage the other modelettes.

It was all for naught because she did not win the task, Sundai did.

Sundai is very excited because, apparently, Walmart is her mom's favorite store. With that $1,000 gift certificate, she can pretty much buy one of everything in the store.

Back at the house, some of the girls are bitching about how Erin was being all overly competitive at the Walmart and stuff. And they didn't like it.

On the way to their next photo shoot, the bitching girls are still, well, bitching about Erin at the Walmart. This upsets Erin and she turns on the water works.

Bianca notices that Erin is a sad panda and this causes more talking to occur. Bianca opines that it's okay to be competitive, but not to play dirty. She advises Erin to just apologize and move the hell on. Erin responds that she doesn't think she played dirty, "I didn't push anyone, I pushed through people." Blah, blah, blah.

By the time the girls arrive to the photo shoot, the crying and whining jags have ended. They walk into the studio and see something resembling a mannequin with a whole lotta junk in the trunk.

They unwrap the mannequin and surprise, it's Tyra in a onsie!

Tyra lets the modelettes know that she will be photographing them, today. They all pretend to be super excited by this.

Today, the girls will work on mastering their "Beauty shot." The girl who wins gets immunity and will be safe from elimination this week.

Tyra explains that the modelettes will be wearing scarves for their shoots, just like Tyra wears at bedtime.

Apparently, it's really super important that the wee modelettes master the "Beauty shot" 'cause who wants to be reminded of how short they really are?

Tyra begins to snap, snap away with her camera. There are various awkward wedgie flashes because the outfits the girls are wearing were designed for toddlers.

Brittany wins the scarf shoot challenge with a picture of her face covered by her scarf. Okay.

...and the other girls are just jealous.

You just know they were all thinking, "I can't believe that bitch won. She's not fierce, not like me! I hate her!"

Back at the ranch, Bianca expresses her concern at being in the bottom two so often. She feels that her last photo shoot should put her close to the top of the pack.

As the Sword of Damocles hovers above her head, she actually says, "I'm not getting eliminated." Well, it was nice knowing you, Bianca.

Later on that evening, the girls all gather together in front of the judges, Tyra, Nigel, Miss J and special guest star, miniature super model, China Chow. The cool thing about China Chow's name is that she could be a James Bond girl or villain with that name.

Of course, none of the girls know who China is, but they pretend that they do.

Tyra begins whipping out pics of the wee modelettes who get to stay for, at least, another week. It begins to become obvious who the bottom two will be.

Of course, we are not surprised at the two girls standing there. We knew it would be Ashley and Bianca. well, at least, I did.

Tyra says they are both awesome and beautiful, but in a non top modeley kind of way. So, unfortunately, one has to kick rocks and get the hell on.

Bianca is asked to pack up her makeup bag and go. Kinda sucks because I think Bianca has a great look. Any girl with features strong enough to rock the Sinead O'connor look is pretty hot. Ahh well, that's life in the big city, kids.

Be sure to join me every Friday for my ANTM recaps. Comments, feedback always welcome.

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