September 23, 2009

Stupid people and their wacky protest signs!

Toss a rock into the air at any protest rally and the chances are very good that the rock will come down on the head of an idiot holding a sign that either a) has nothing to do with the topic of the protest rally, or b) is retarded.

What is it about protest rallies that brings out the wackadoos? It's like they all subscribe to the same newsletter or something. If there's a protest rally within 50 yards of a WalMart, a Cracker Barrel or a Piggly Wiggly, you are guaranteed to see some very interesting signs... Signs that tell us we need to seriously reinvest in public education.

Apparently, this dude is still pissed off at Erin Moran for leaving Happy Days for Joanie Loves Chachi. What? Oh, he's just an idiot who can't spell? Nevermind.

Why is it that severely stupid people always seem so pleased with themselves? This guy could benefit from a good, solid round house kick to the throat. Maybe that would improve his grammar.

Tell-tale signs that you are in the presence of a certifiably stupid wackadoo:
1) Their entire outfit has been crudely fashioned out of the local high school's American flag.
2) They are creating a sign using a discarded piece of cardboard and a crayon they stole from a 7 year old.
3)Not only is their sign misspelled, but the lettering on their sign randomly changes from uppercase to lowercase then back to uppercase.

For the record, I have zero tolerance for stupid people. Honestly, I think they should be shipped off to the Isle of Stupid (it's just off the coast of Fiji) where they can stupidly frolic, do really stupid things and chatter non-stop about stupid stuff.

September 21, 2009

America's Next Top Model: Cycle 13(Ep#3) - The revenge of Smize!

It seems like with every new cycle of America's Next Top Model, the contestants look less and less like models and more and more like random girls you see working at the food court. If this trend continues, ANTM: Cycle 27 will be comprised of girls who kind of look like your cousin, ya' know, the one who resembles Bookman from Good Times.

The snarkfest begins with the girls having to go on a big adventure to meet with the president of Wilhelmina Models, Sean Patterson. Sean is decked out in skinny jeans, a pink button down shirt and a vest. STYLISH!

Sean, by the way, could not be more underwhelmed at meeting all of these super short girls, because he knows that none of them will make it in the modeling business. He's just going through the motions because he's afraid of Tyra. Sean explains to the petite model wannabes that being a model is hard, and it's even harder for short girls.

One by one, Nigel and Sean invite the girls into a room for a 3way some conversation and a little catwalking. They sit behind their big, fancy desk and make catty comments about the girls after they've left the room.

Sean and Nigel emerge from their chamber of doom and inform the girls that one of them will be going home, like, right now!

Sean P: Unfortunately, there's no easy way to say what I'm about to say to you guys... But, one of you doesn't have what it takes to be a Wilhelmina model.
Only one? Really? You sure, Vesty?

Rachel, when she still believed in Santa Claus!

Rachel, after she got the news that Santa had been killed in a shootout with the DEA!

Awww, poor Rachel. Who knew that large, freakishly wide set eyes was not top model material?

The two uber blonde girls were so traumatized by Rachel's sudden departure, their heads spontaneously became conjoined...

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

Jennifer admits that she's sad that Rachel is gone, but she's really happy for herself. Oh yeah, she's still a bit concerned about her lazy eye.

The next day, the girls go on a mock photo shoot where they encounter a mean photographer. He's yelling at them and calling them dwarfs.

SUDDENLY, Smize appears and comes to the girls' defense!

Smize is going to vanquish the evil photographer and then teach the girls how to smile with their eyes, YAY!

This is probably my favorite scene from this episode because Tyra is in full on crazy mode. She instructs the girls on the basics of smizing, and tells them to think of something delicious. Tyra asks Courtney what she's thinking about. Courtney says she's thinking about pizza, then Tyra says... Oh here, just watch the clip!

The look on Courtney's face communicated everything viewers were thinking at that moment. Something to the effect of, "Bitch, you crazy!"

After they graduate from Tyra's Smize Academy, they head over to the racetrack so they can put their smizing skills to use. They all take boring pictures atop horses. Bianca looks like a drag queen and everybody seems bored.

Back at the house, Courtney is complaining about her broken foot and having to wear the boot during the photo shoot. Courtney doesn't know it, but we seasoned ANTM viewers know that this means she's a goner.

The girls go to meet with the judges - Miss Jay, Nigel and special guest judge Lauren Conrad. Everytime I see Lauren Conrad I can't help but ask, "why is this chick on my TV?" What exactly does she do?

This week, the bottom two are...

Alas, Courtney was asked to pack up her makeup bag and go. Awww, poor Courtney and her broken foot. I was hoping that she would last longer. Oh well, that's life in the big city, kids.

Be sure to join me every Friday for my ANTM recaps. Comments, feedback always welcome.

September 3, 2009

Homeless people and their fancy signs!

I recently came to the conclusion that I am a supremely petty person. It's okay, I'm fine with it. In fact, I embrace it. I wrap my arms and my legs around my abject pettiness and give it a big, wet sloppy kiss. If more people embraced their short comings, the world would be a much happier, more enjoyable place to hang out... or would it?

I was on my way home one day when I noticed a homeless dude standing on the corner. I was really hoping that I would make the light at that corner because I wasn't in the mood to intentionally avoid eye contact with this guy or pretend that I was suddenly fascinated with my car stereo.

I was a few blocks from the light when I decided to gun it and try to get through the light before it changed. Fuck, red light! I'm fairly certain that the homeless dude somehow manipulated the light switching mechanism because that fuckin' light seemed to go from green to red, instantly.

Sitting there at that red light, I became suddenly fascinated with my car stereo. It's an amazing thing, really. Turn the knob clockwise and the volume increases, turn the knob counter-clockwise and the volume decreases. Wow!

The thing about red lights in the lovely city of Las Vegas is that they are excruciatingly long...

At this point, I had exhausted the amount of time that I am legally allowed to be 'suddenly fascinated with my car stereo.' I casually glance over at the homeless dude. He throws me a genuine smile and I smile back, not so genuinely. When I glanced at him, the first thing I noticed was his sign. His sign was perfect! Good grammar, syntax and spelling. Oh yeah, and his name was Wallace.

Since I recently joined the ranks of the unemployed, my charity giving guidelines have become a bit more strict. I don't know about you guys but, I prefer my homeless people's signs to have a hint of "I'm off my meds and desperate" kind of vibe to them. I want to see words with lines drawn through them, random scribbly lines, words that inexplicably go from lowercase to uppercase, and words that you have to try and decipher to figure out what they mean.

No longer do I have some Pavlovian response to any and every homeless person I see. I need to feel good about myself, dammit! If you want my money, you have to look like you need it more than I do, or else, I will suddenly become fascinated with my car stereo. Did you know that turning the knob clockwise causes the volume to increase?