Stupid people and their wacky protest signs!

Toss a rock into the air at any protest rally and the chances are very good that the rock will come down on the head of an idiot holding a sign that either a) has nothing to do with the topic of the protest rally, or b) is retarded.

What is it about protest rallies that brings out the wackadoos? It's like they all subscribe to the same newsletter or something. If there's a protest rally within 50 yards of a WalMart, a Cracker Barrel or a Piggly Wiggly, you are guaranteed to see some very interesting signs... Signs that tell us we need to seriously reinvest in public education.

Apparently, this dude is still pissed off at Erin Moran for leaving Happy Days for Joanie Loves Chachi. What? Oh, he's just an idiot who can't spell? Nevermind.


Why is it that severely stupid people always seem so pleased with themselves? This guy could benefit from a good, solid round house kick to the throat. Maybe that would improve his grammar.


Tell-tale signs that you are in the presence of a certifiably stupid wackadoo:
1) Their entire outfit has been crudely fashioned out of the local high school's American flag.
2) They are creating a sign using a discarded piece of cardboard and a crayon they stole from a 7 year old.
3)Not only is their sign misspelled, but the lettering on their sign randomly changes from uppercase to lowercase then back to uppercase.


For the record, I have zero tolerance for stupid people. Honestly, I think they should be shipped off to the Isle of Stupid (it's just off the coast of Fiji) where they can stupidly frolic, do really stupid things and chatter non-stop about stupid stuff.

America's Next Top Model: Cycle 13(Ep#3) - The revenge of Smize!

It seems like with every new cycle of America's Next Top Model, the contestants look less and less like models and more and more like random girls you see working at the food court. If this trend continues, ANTM: Cycle 27 will be comprised of girls who kind of look like your cousin, ya' know, the one who resembles Bookman from Good Times.

The snarkfest begins with the girls having to go on a big adventure to meet with the president of Wilhelmina Models, Sean Patterson. Sean is decked out in skinny jeans, a pink button down shirt and a vest. STYLISH!

Sean, by the way, could not be more underwhelmed at meeting all of these super short girls, because he knows that none of them will make it in the modeling business. He's just going through the motions because he's afraid of Tyra. Sean explains to the petite model wannabes that being a model is hard, and it's even harder for short girls.

One by one, Nigel and Sean invite the girls into a room for a 3way some conversation and a little catwalking. They sit behind their big, fancy desk and make catty comments about the girls after they've left the room.

Sean and Nigel emerge from their chamber of doom and inform the girls that one of them will be going home, like, right now!

Sean P: Unfortunately, there's no easy way to say what I'm about to say to you guys... But, one of you doesn't have what it takes to be a Wilhelmina model.

Only one? Really? You sure, Vesty?

Rachel, when she still believed in Santa Claus!


Rachel, after she got the news that Santa had been killed in a shootout with the DEA!


Awww, poor Rachel. Who knew that large, freakishly wide set eyes was not top model material?

The two uber blonde girls were so traumatized by Rachel's sudden departure, their heads spontaneously became conjoined...

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

Jennifer admits that she's sad that Rachel is gone, but she's really happy for herself. Oh yeah, she's still a bit concerned about her lazy eye.

The next day, the girls go on a mock photo shoot where they encounter a mean photographer. He's yelling at them and calling them dwarfs.

SUDDENLY, Smize appears and comes to the girls' defense!


Smize is going to vanquish the evil photographer and then teach the girls how to smile with their eyes, YAY!

This is probably my favorite scene from this episode because Tyra is in full on crazy mode. She instructs the girls on the basics of smizing, and tells them to think of something delicious. Tyra asks Courtney what she's thinking about. Courtney says she's thinking about pizza, then Tyra says... Oh here, just watch the clip!



The look on Courtney's face communicated everything viewers were thinking at that moment. Something to the effect of, "Bitch, you crazy!"

After they graduate from Tyra's Smize Academy, they head over to the racetrack so they can put their smizing skills to use. They all take boring pictures atop horses. Bianca looks like a drag queen and everybody seems bored.

Back at the house, Courtney is complaining about her broken foot and having to wear the boot during the photo shoot. Courtney doesn't know it, but we seasoned ANTM viewers know that this means she's a goner.

The girls go to meet with the judges - Miss Jay, Nigel and special guest judge Lauren Conrad. Everytime I see Lauren Conrad I can't help but ask, "why is this chick on my TV?" What exactly does she do?

This week, the bottom two are...

Alas, Courtney was asked to pack up her makeup bag and go. Awww, poor Courtney and her broken foot. I was hoping that she would last longer. Oh well, that's life in the big city, kids.

Be sure to join me every Friday for my ANTM recaps. Comments, feedback always welcome.

Homeless people and their fancy signs!

I recently came to the conclusion that I am a supremely petty person. It's okay, I'm fine with it. In fact, I embrace it. I wrap my arms and my legs around my abject pettiness and give it a big, wet sloppy kiss. If more people embraced their short comings, the world would be a much happier, more enjoyable place to hang out... or would it?

I was on my way home one day when I noticed a homeless dude standing on the corner. I was really hoping that I would make the light at that corner because I wasn't in the mood to intentionally avoid eye contact with this guy or pretend that I was suddenly fascinated with my car stereo.

I was a few blocks from the light when I decided to gun it and try to get through the light before it changed. Fuck, red light! I'm fairly certain that the homeless dude somehow manipulated the light switching mechanism because that fuckin' light seemed to go from green to red, instantly.

Sitting there at that red light, I became suddenly fascinated with my car stereo. It's an amazing thing, really. Turn the knob clockwise and the volume increases, turn the knob counter-clockwise and the volume decreases. Wow!

The thing about red lights in the lovely city of Las Vegas is that they are excruciatingly long...

At this point, I had exhausted the amount of time that I am legally allowed to be 'suddenly fascinated with my car stereo.' I casually glance over at the homeless dude. He throws me a genuine smile and I smile back, not so genuinely. When I glanced at him, the first thing I noticed was his sign. His sign was perfect! Good grammar, syntax and spelling. Oh yeah, and his name was Wallace.



Since I recently joined the ranks of the unemployed, my charity giving guidelines have become a bit more strict. I don't know about you guys but, I prefer my homeless people's signs to have a hint of "I'm off my meds and desperate" kind of vibe to them. I want to see words with lines drawn through them, random scribbly lines, words that inexplicably go from lowercase to uppercase, and words that you have to try and decipher to figure out what they mean.

No longer do I have some Pavlovian response to any and every homeless person I see. I need to feel good about myself, dammit! If you want my money, you have to look like you need it more than I do, or else, I will suddenly become fascinated with my car stereo. Did you know that turning the knob clockwise causes the volume to increase?

Top 10 reasons to unfollow someone on Twitter.

Twitter! All the kids are doin' it! The truth of it is, Twitter, just like any new social networking tool that becomes popular attracts annoying, stupid, uninteresting people. These people feel perfectly comfortable polluting the Twitter stream of consciousness with insipid comments. Honestly, if I encountered some of these people in person and their conversation was comprised of the same things they talk about on Twitter, I would get up and walk away.. while they were talking. Harsh? Maybe. Necessary so that I keep my sanity and do not murder them? Absolutely!

So, in my desire to help new Twitterers avoid some of the pitfalls of Twitter life, here's my top 10 list of reasons to immediately unfollow someone on Twitter.

You should immediately unfollow someone if they...

10) ...continually break the TMI rule. I have no desire to know that you think your 6 year old son might be gay. Really?

9) ...post so rarely, that when you see a tweet from them, your first thought is, "who the hell is that?" Also, they only tweet really depressing, obscure lyrics from emo artists.

8) ...routinely use way too many question marks or exclamation points in their tweets. A question is not more of a question if you add 17 question marks at the end, it's just fucking annoying!!!!!!!

7) ...use the phrase 'NO HOMO' - the person using that phrase is usually the only one thinking about potential homo action. That means the person using the 'NO HOMO' phrase is probably 'YES HOMO!'

6) ...routinely post tweets comprised of nothing but the current trending topics. This is the worst kind of Twitterer, because a) they have absolutely nothing to say and b)they still want people to follow them. These people should be shunned, immediately.

5) ...actively participates in really stuping trending topics. Anything Jonas Bros or Miley Cyrus related is an automatic FAIL!

4) ...unnecessarily abbreviates words when they are not even close to the 140 character limit. Either they are illiterate or just seriously lazy.

3) ...continuously posts really stupid tweets. Everybody posts lame or stupid tweets from time to time, it happens. But, if you are following someone who is a copious purveyor of seriously stupid tweets, you should unfollow them immediately.

2) ...are currently following Tila Tequila. Really, there is absolutely no wiggle room on this one. I have to admit, some "friends" tricked me into following her.. for 36 hours. In those 36 hours, I lost 72 IQ points AND the ability to discern between good and bad touches. Just say NO to Tila Teqila!

1) ...is not following you back. If they are just some regular Joe or Jane Schmoe (IE, not some superfuckin' awesome celebrity type, a person you admire or a person you are actively stalking), why would you continue to follow them if they are not following you?

I'm just trying to help people.. because, I am a helper.

Ode to the Iphone

Even tho I do not possess you, I love you. You have many cool apps, some of them actually useful.
I laughed really hard when my friend dropped his in the pool. I was jealous, because I did not have one.
I continued to laugh as he cried over his water damaged Iphone, cause he kind of looks like an Asian chipmunk when he cries.
it occurred to me that chipmunks do not deserve Iphones and that's why the Iphone jumped into the pool.
Iphone, I will possess you, someday, sans that damn mandatory AT&T data plan. The end.

Old people and cell phones.

It really should be mandatory for anyone over the age of 60 to have to learn how to text message!


"No, old lady sitting next to me at the dentist's office, it is NOT OKAY for you to whip out your old ass cell phone and proceed to have 15 different conversations while you wait to have your gums scraped."

I really don't want to know that you just got a new belly button ring and it's "uncomfortable"!

She wasn't even using her inside voice, either!

Kiss me, I'm unemployed!

So, yeah.. As of last Thursday, I've joined the ranks of the unemployed. It's a weird feeling to have all of this free time. The truth of it is that, subconsciously, I've been wanting this to happen for months. And, well, it did. Yippee, I guess!

Now, I actually have to follow through on my threat to leave Las Vegas, the city that I hate with the heat of a thousand habanero peppers.

Truth be told, I do feel quite liberated, so, it's not all bad. It wasn't the job that was the problem, it was a whole host of other things. Even though they kicked my ass to the curb, they are still an awesome company.

When my manager came around and asked if we could have a 'lil chat, I didn't think anything of it. As we were walking down the hallway of doom, she started randomly talking about Jaime Foxx.. then, she began to hum the refrain from "Blame it on the alcohol." I knew I was screwed.

It's all good, though. I figure I'll be a bum for a couple of weeks, maybe longer, then figure out where I actually want to move to. Will it be Los Angeles or Seattle? I really feel like I can move anywhere that I want. Frankly, that is an awesome feeling!

My new Youtube channel!

So, yeah.. I caved to the imaginary peer pressure to create my own Youtube channel. What will I put on my new Youtube channel? Who knows.

The first video up on my channel is a sexy little montage I made of women making out. While I have no real idea what my channel theme will be, I'm sure there will quite a few sexy montages and vignettes posted.

Anyway, check out my vid, below before Youtube yanks it for being 'inappropriate.'

White dudes with cornrows!

I was up late one night, watching some random MMA fights on TV, when I spyed Uriah Faber (WEC Featherweight champ) rocking the 'white dudes with cornrows' look. Nice!

It got me to thinking about other white dudes and their fabulous braided 'dos...

Who can forget Jared Leto as, Junior, the rich kid gone bad, in 'The Panic Room'? If I had written the script for 'The Panic Room,'...


INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
Junior paces the floor like a crazyass white dude wearing cornrows that are too tight. He turns around and sees Raoul glaring at him.

JUNIOR

What the fuck are you lookin' at, Babyback Ribs? Don't you know that I'm a bad muthafucka?! I'm wearin' cornrows, see?!

Junior fiercely points to his cornrow bedecked noggin.

Raoul's eyes narrow to a squint as he continues to glare at Junior. He takes out a surface to air bazooka and launches a missile directly at Junior's head. The missile connects with it's target and totally fucks up Juniors cornrows.

RAOUL

Nobody calls me Babyback Ribs and lives!

How about our favorite former 'Nsync rugrat, Justin "JT" Timberlake? Not only did he NOT bring the sexy back in this pic, Sexy actually got up and stormed off while yelling incoherent obscenities at JT and everybody else in the room.

This, however, is my favorite picture of a white dude wearing cornrows. It's a pic of Brad Miller (center for the Chicago Bulls) rocking this badass variation on the cornrow 'do.

It looks as if Brad just gave up during the cornrowing process and decided to go with a half cornrow, half regular white dude 'do (while sporting a replica of the headband Bjorn Borg wore when he won his 17th Wimbledon title.). Impressive!

So, the next time you encounter a white dude wearing cornrows, give 'em a high five or a pound. He's earned it!

Karima Francis, I LOVE YOU!!

I am not prone to gush over new music artists. In fact, I usually take the anti-hype route and ignore that new artist, completely, until I decide that they are worth my time. Having said all of the above... I am completely in the tank for and in love with Karima Francis!

Her voice is staggeringly beautiful.. Her vocal range is stunning.. And she's only 21!

Her debut album came out a couple of weeks ago. You can only get it as an import here in the states, but it is well worth the wait. I have not actually purchased a CD in years (too many "free" options available), but I pre-ordered this one.


Here are some videos of her for you viewing pleasure.


Covering the Kings of Leon's 'Use Somebody'


Performing the title track from her debut CD, 'The Author'

I love cheesy, exploitation movies sooooo much!!

Hey faux hawk dude in the Palms casino parking lot...

I am silently judging you!

I find going out to the local casinos and gambling away my (not so) hard earned money to be relaxing. Even though the casinos in Vegas seem to be overrun with old ladies wearing hideously ugly sweaters with cats and birds embroidered all over them, I usually enjoy my time there. Sometimes I lose, and sometimes I lose, but, it's usually enjoyable.

Speaking of old ladies who loiter in casinos.. I'm convinced that the reason so many senior ladies have a bit of a hump in their back is not due to osteoporosis, NO! It's all of those fucking players cards they have dangling from around their necks. The average old lady in a casino is carrying an extra 20 pounds around her neck because she has 27,000 players cards hanging from that damn day-glo green lanyard. And, they always know exactly which card to grab, which they usually do just as you both are moving towards the same slot machine. It's their non-verbal way of saying "don't even think about it, 'cause I will cut a bitch!"

Last Saturday night, I'm in The Palms casino parking lot getting ready to leave. I see this dude standing off to the side having an animated conversation on his cell phone. It's obviously an important conversation 'cause a) it's 2am on a Saturday night, b) he's got a really severe faux hawk and c) his shirt is very tight and quite shiny.

As I'm marveling at his super fantastic do and that shiny, tight shirt, he just whips it out and takes a piss right there in the fuckin' Palms casino parking lot! WHAT?!

He was just so casual about it.. cell phone in one hand, junk in the other...

For some reason, when I recount this story, I hear really loud circus music in my head.. Don't ask, just go with it.

When he notices me staring at him, he freezes like a deer in headlights for a few seconds, then kind of scurries behind one of the pillars in front of the casino. Dude, REALLY?! Have we devolved so much as a society that we can't even be bothered to use the inside toilet?

So yeah Palms Pee-Man, I'm judging you right now.. Deal with it!

Happy Easter Jesus, here's your chocolate bunny!

If Jesus ever does really come back, he's gonna be pissed.. for so many reasons.

The economy stole my soap!

Due to the bad economy, all of us are tightening our belts, sashes, or whatever we use to keep our pants from dropping down around our ankles.

So, I'm in the shower this morning mindlessly scrubbing my bits and pieces when I realize that the teeny, tiny sliver of soap that I was using has mysteriously gone missing. Initially, I panic because who wouldn't panic at the thought of a random piece of soap stuck in her vajayjay?

Since my new mindset is to always try to counter balance a negative thought with a positive one, here's what I came up with:

Worst case scenario: My cooch will be like catnip to Leprechauns and old Irish dudes.


Best case scenario: My cooch will smell like Irish Spring all day.


I think I'm okay with either scenario.

Top 5 signs that I REALLY need a girlfriend.

5) Going to work on "casual Friday" wearing my favorite pair of sweatpants; the ones with the strategically placed hole in the back.

4) My hard drive has become a cornucopia of porn-oooh-topia!

3) I'm now able to lift small, European cars with my right hand.



2) Fantasizing about Erin, that hot cartoon redhead from the Esurance commercials.




1) Uncomfortably working the word "fingering" into random conversations.

Cars with too many bumper stickers

I always get a weird, queasy feeling when I find myself stuck behind a car that has way too many bumper stickers on it.

I always get the sense that the person driving that car is just hanging out on top of the 'crazy motherfucker' bubble waiting for it to pop. He's probably one sarcastic remark away from going on a city wide shooting spree and taking out everybody at his job, at his home, at the park, at the zoo and at the local Dennys.

To the little girl at the fatburger I went to last night...I'm sorry!

On the way home from hanging out with some friends, I decided to stop off at my local Fatburger for my bacon and egg sandwich fix. I'm a really impatient person. I hate waiting for anything... I glare at people who pay with a check at the market... I wish bad things on people who linger in the drive-thru after they've gotten their shit.. LEAVE, already, you asshat!

Anyway, because I'm really impatient, I like to call ahead for things. I should have done that last night. Oh, regret, why do you haunt me?

I drove past the Fatburger, made an illegal U-turn, then went back 'cause I decided I wanted some food. I place my order and immediately start to get irritated because I know my wait will be, at least, 10 minutes. I find an empty booth, sit down and pretend to be interested in what's on TV. It's some Spanish novella type soap opera, so, my irritation level began to increase exponentially. I'm bored out of my mind, hungry and irritated. Yay, I have to pee! I can kill
a good 2 - 3 minutes doing that, so I thought.

I get up to go use the Fatburger restroom. (Note: If this were a movie, this is where the creepy music would get really loud, and the scene might be in slow motion.)

As I pushed the door open, the aroma from the restroom wafted up and did a triple salcow/double toe loop combination around my head. I was slightly disoriented and in a daze. I stood there with watery eyes as thoughts of Brian Boitano swirled in my head... then quietly pulled the restroom door closed, and groggily walked back to my booth.

I whipped out my phone and sent a mass text. It simply read: 'Oh my fuckin god, some bitch just killed the Fatburger bathroom!!' As I was sitting there LOL'ing to the responses I got from my text message, I barely noticed a little girl moving very quickly towards the restroom.

First of all, why the fuck do kids move so quick? I hate that!

Anyway, Marion Jones, Jr. made her way to the restroom before I could stop her. I would've warned her about the evil smell in that room, but, she was too quick for me to stop her.

A nano second after opening the door, Marion Jones, Jr. comes sprinting out of the restroom, her nose and mouth covered by both of her hands.

So, to the little girl at the Fatburger I went to last night.. I'm sorry! Really, I am.

Stuck in Sin City

So, yeah, about that whole leaving Las Vegas thing? Not so much. Several months ago, I had made up my mind to blow this douchenozzle town.. not literally 'cause that would be disgusting and exhausting. I was planning to move back to Cali and seriously pursue my writing career (such as it is). A couple of days ago, I got a text message from a friend who lives in SoCal saying, "I hope you are not packed yet 'cause the economy here sucks donkey balls." He's very descriptive that way.

So, I'm faced with a couple of choices. I can make the move, despite the fact that the economy is fucked, right now, or stay in Vegas where I have a job and a place to live. What's life without a bit of adventure, right? Yeah, no, I'm really not that kind of an adventurer. If being adventurous includes the possibility of living in my car or fighting squirrels for a discarded piece of bread, then, no. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I could kick that squirrel's ass.. I mean, I 'aint no punk. That squirrel would get a serious fuckin' beatdown! I love animals and I don't want to see them get hurt. BUT, if it came down to me or squirrely? I would beat that squirrel's ass. Just sayin'.

Sitting here listening to Baba O'Riley, I'm reminded of how fucking awesome this song is!

Anywho, so.. yeah, looks like I'll stay in Vegas for a few more months or so. Arrrrg!

Hey homeless dude standing in the Starbucks' drive-thru lane...

Merry Christmas to you, too!

Geez, talk about feeling like a complete asshole on Baby Jesus's birthday. I woke up bright and late on a cold Christmas morning with an urge for some Earl Grey tea. So, I hop out of bed, grab my keys, my debit card and head down to my local Starbucks to get my fix. As I pull up to the drive-thru lane, I can see a youngish looking guy standing off to the right. Even though he was wearing a coat, he still looked like he was cold.

He was standing there, holding a sign that simply read "Merry Christmas."

I felt like crap because I knew I didn't have any cash to offer him. I rolled down my window, smiled at him and wished him a Merry Christmas, too. He nodded and smiled back.

The guy in the car behind me had a dollar for him, so, I was hopeful that most of the people coming through would give him something.

I'm always amazed at how some homeless people are so polite. I guess they have resigned themselves to being invisible. If I were ever homeless, I would not be polite, I would be a rageful, trouble maker... Wait, I'm already like that.

Anyway, Merry Christmas homeless dude in the Starbucks' drive-thru. I hope you collected enough money for some food and had a warm place to stay, that night.

I'm going, going back, back to Cali, Cali

I currently live in a city that I loathe.. Las Vegas. Sure, there are a lot of hot strippers who play for my team or who are, at the very least, interested in participating in weekend tryouts. But, even that is not enough to make me want to stay in this town!

While sitting at my desk one day, busily not working, I had an epiphany. It was covered in chocolate and had a sweet, nuggaty filling. Wait, what? Oh yeah, my personal light bulb moment. I was at work trying to stifle loud bursts of laughter because I had spent the last 2 hours perusing fat kids fighting and lolcats video clips on Youtube. It occured to me that I could work a regular job, any regular job anywhere in the country, so, why am I still living in Las Vegas instead of Los Angeles or Seattle? Sure, Seattle was on my short list, but it never really had a chance. I'm a west coast girl at heart.. the sun, the beaches, the cool ocean breezes, the fake boobs, lips, asses, tans.. hmm. Regardless of all the people running around with fake parts, I still miss it.

Also, I'm really tired of qualifying my "I'm a writer..." declaration with "well, actually, I want to be a writer, but I am currently just a dancing monkey working for the man!! " Wow, angry much?

Soooo, long story short, I've decided to make the move back to Cali in a few weeks. I cannot wait for the day when I give my 2 week notice. It's going to be gloriously liberating.

Hmm, I should probably stop stealing office supplies, though.