America's Next Top Model - Cycle 16 (Episode 01)

Oh my God, is this show still on?! *sigh* Okay. Well, as the jaded hater that I am, I feel a certain responsibility to snark about this shit.

Don't hate the player, hate the messenger. Wait, that's not right. I really shouldn't be doing this when there's been so much spilled wine under the bed... What?

But, I digress...

Episode one opens with Tyra being all self-depricatey. See, what she's doing is making fun of America's Next Top Model (and by extension, HERSELF), by mocking the different types of girls who audition for the show. Oh, I see what you did, there, Ty Ty!

There's Psycho Barbie from Texas.



Bomquesha from Brooklyn.



Belladonna Twilight-Sucks from A Galaxy far, far away.



This season, they change things up a bit by eliminating casting week. Unbeknownst to the models, 14 of them have already been pre-selected for our viewing pleasure. And, those 14 models will, immediately, move into Casa De Wannabe so that they can create drama and fake lesbian tension for all the world to enjoy.

In an attempt to teach the models about rejection, The Jays pretend that several of them did not make the cut.

Some of the girls are all teary, sad and crying.



It's okay, sweetie, you wouldn't have won, anyway.

They gather all of the wannabe models together, give them each an envelope and tells them that those envelopes contain pictures. Unfortunately, not all of the girls will have pictures in their envelopes.

The girls who don't have pictures are going home.

In, perhaps, the cruelest, sickest, MOST AWESOME FAKEOUT IN TOP MODEL HISTORY... the girls who have pictures in their envelopes are ACTUALLY THE ONES GOING HOME!

That is sooooo mean!



Just look at how excited that one girl in the front is. That's about 17 different levels of wrong, but, oh. so. high-larious.

I would love to have seen the faked out girls' reactions when they discovered that they had been hoodwinked AND bamboozled. There had to have been, at least, ONE Jerry Springer-worthy reaction.

Ahhh well, just like it is in real life, the pretty girls get what they want. Tyra descends the staircase and lets the pretty girls in on the joke they played on the average girls. He He He.



Everybody's all excited, screaming, jumping around like their name just got called by Bob Barker or some shit. Yeah, I know that Drew Carey is the current host of The Price is Right, but, for me, Bob Barker will always be the host of that show.

TYRA MAIL!



It really is all about Tyra, isn't it? Every picture in the house is of who? TYRA! It's Tyra's world, we are all just visiting and trying to master smizing.

This is Hannah.



Hannah is fond of rocking the double ponytail look. This is a look that I, particularly, loathe. If you are above the age of 12 and still wearing your hair in schoolgirl style ponytails, you're probably a woman who spends her summers in Thailand working as a prostitute! Stop it! It's not cute. At all!

The models head off on their first adventure where they meet supermodel Erin Wasson. Giggity.



She tells the girls that they are going to participate in their first runway show, get to wear shit by Alexander Wang and some jewelry from Erin's line, called Lola.

Yes. Of course, there's a catch!

Mr. Jay informs the models that they will be walking uphill... in the snow... with wild jackals nipping at their heels.

Nah, they'll just be walking on a 12 inch plank... over water... in a bubble...



Awwww, Miss Jay makes everything better and more fierce!

This is Jaclyn, aka Baby Face.



Upon seeing the bubble, Jaclyn says:

"What if they can't get it open, and I'm stuck in that bubble for the rest of my life? Like, that went through my head a million times."

If I was granted 3 wishes, all of them would be that Jaclyn gets stuck in a bubble... for the rest of her life.

Of course, hilarity ensues as the girls try to maneuver the plank while in the bubble. You know, because people don't normally walk around in bubbles... Unless they have some crazy, rare disease where they are allergic to EVERYTHING! Then, they would, probably, need a bubble.



What if you had to live your life in a bubble, and then, one day, you farted. That would suuuuuck!

I swear, this show is becoming more and more like Fear Factor. In some future cycle, the models will have to eat actual food or something. That's when we'll know the show has jumped the shark.

UH OH...



Somebody is going home!

This is Alexandria, aka Bossy.



Alexandra is very pushy and quite confident that she is safe because of all her previous modeling experience. I love the fact that Alexandria is 21, but looks like a 35 year old bar fly. Also, I love the fact that she thinks that hat is cute.

This is Tyra's serious face. It's her, "I'm about to take somebody's dream and dropkick it across the room" face.



While the models were getting ready for their runway show in a bubble, there was a backstage photo shoot.

One by one, Tyra calls each girl up to have their best photo critiqued. Tyra never misses an opportunity to show off her posing and/or smizing skills.



With each critique, Tyra shows the girls how they should have posed and explains to them why they will never be successful models.

Then, she tells them that they are all losers and will end up living in a trailer park, married to a guy named Dusty who sells meth out of the back of his Astrovan! Umm, it's entirely possible that last bit was just me projecting.

All of the models leave the room so that the judges can talk shit about them behind their backs and decide who sucks the most.

And the bottom two are...


... Angelia and Dominique!

Sadly, Angelia is asked to pack up her makeup bag and go home. Awww, sad panda face.

Be sure to join me every Friday for my ANTM recaps. Comments, feedback always welcome. Oh yeah, follow me on Twitter, too.

Who Really Watches The Tonight Show with Jay Leno?

Space Invaders and White Dudes with Goatees.

I have no idea what it is, but every single time I get hit on by a white dude, he has a goatee. I seem to attract a specific type, too. The kind that look like weekend bikers. You know, those guys who are tax paying, corporate citizens during the week, but wants to go all badass on the weekends? The guy, who at first glance, you might think is a member of some skinhead group? Yeah, that guy.

I was at the grocery store earlier today, minding my own damn business, when this white dude with a goatee walks up and stands real close to me. Too close to me. There was, maybe, six inches of space between us.

Generally speaking, I'm one of those people who doesn't like it when people take liberties. Standing too close to me, making assumptions about certain things, being too familiar with me, etc. Space invaders annoy me even more than chronic door holders. Oh, don't get me started on people who hold doors open for you when you're still in the damn parking lot! Forces you to break into a fucking sprint to get to the door, 'ya know, 'cause you don't want to inconvenience the damn door holder! Selfish bastards!

Anyway...

As I'm making my way to one of the open self checkout lanes, I glance at goatee dude because he was in my line of sight. I guess, to him, that meant go stand uncomfortably close to this woman who, obviously, has no interest in you, whatsoever, and try to pick her up.

I see him coming towards me, so, I quickly look away in the hope that he will get the message and just move the fuck on. In fact, I was still walking when he placed himself in my path, and extended his hand. Using his best "I'm a white dude trying to sound like a cool black dude" voice, he said, "pretty sistas get to go first." Okay, first of all, that sounds EXACTLY like something a serial killer would say. Secondly, there were two open checkouts, so, it's not like he was letting me use his checkout. CREEPY!

I was so taken aback at how close he was standing to me, that, what he said didn't immediately register. Then, I thought about it and the first thing that came to mind was that episode of Martin where he goes to his 10th year high school reunion to confront his high school nemesis, Ricky Fontaine, "Pretty Ricky what they call 'em." This made me smile, which goatee dude probably misconstrued as a green light, not that he needed any encouragement. He was super confident and all up in my shit.

When he extended his hand, I reached out to shake it, 'ya know, 'cause I'm generally not a rude person. I was going for a quick hand shake, but he held my hand as he introduced himself and asked if I'd like to have coffee with him. I smiled that polite, fake smile that we all do from time to time and told him that I was a gay lady... that I only "had coffee" with the ladies. Not missing a beat, he said, "that's cool, we can still hang out." In my mind, I'm like, why would I want to do that? I, politely, declined in that, "thank you for offering, but, no, I would not like any croutons," kind of way.

At this point, I just wanted to pay for my shit and go. I was done being polite to this fucker and felt my irritation level rising. So, after declining for the second time, I just walked away from him, paid for my groceries and left.

On the drive home, I started thinking about my encounter with goatee dude and what I took away from it. The one thing I know for sure is that, "Pretty sistas get to go first" is a line that I, absolutely, have to work into a conversation... perhaps, the next time I am at the DMV, I will walk to the front of the line, turn around and proudly proclaim, PRETTY SISTAS GET TO GO FIRST!

The thing about being unemployed is...

... Beyond feeling like a complete failure at life and a hobo, you have waaaaay too much free time on your hands. I'm the type of person who does not manage idle time well, at all. My mind wanders, I get distracted by cool stuff, etc. Basically, I want to do things when I feel like doing them AND get paid for it. But, that shit is not conducive to any kind of productivity.

I expressed this to my mom the other day, and she blurts out, "it's not too late to become a criminal. Criminals don't have schedules. Remember when you used to steal quarters out of my purse?" Geez, I can't believe that she's still bitter about a few quarters. Let it go, mom, let it go!

This morning, I spent 20 minutes trying to telepathically will an empty toilet paper tube into the garbage. I'm pretty sure that I saw it move, just a smidge. Either I have burgeoning telepathic powers or that ant that I lost sight of was trapped underneath the tube, fighting for its life.

You know what would be awesome?! If I just showed up at my old job, dressed as the one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and just started chatting people up and firing off imaginary emails. I wonder how long it would take for someone to say something to the weird Ninja Turtle loitering in the break room, sipping coffee while smoking a cigar and a cigarette at the same time?



The people at my old job are pretty much non-confrontational hippy types, so, they probably wouldn't do anything until I left for lunch.

Rose Nylund 'bout to regulate up in this bitch!

This snapshot is from that lost episode of the Golden Girls where Rose just starts pistol whippin' mofos for no good, goddamn reason!

Am I the only GAY who doesn't watch GLEE?

I feel like I'm the only gay on the planet who's not crazy in love with Glee. I recall being, somewhat, excited about the show several months ago. The promos looked fun, kind of Fame meets Freaks and Geeks. I was, sort of, intrigued. I say sort of because, well, I suspected there would be rampant lip singing and that concerned me. With some reservations, I watched the pilot of Glee.

Me whenever Jane Lynch was on screen:


Me whenever there was wanton lip singing:


See, I'm one of those rare people who is actually allergic to lip singing, and by extension, lip singers. I have a visceral response. When I witness people lip singing, I have, what can only be described as an Incredible Hulk like reaction. Okay, maybe more like Teen Wolf after some extensive electrolysis. I get this overwhelming urge to repeatedly punch the annoying lip singer square in their mug, while screaming, "Cut it out! That's not you singing! Stop moving your mouth, you bastard!"

Let me explain.

My hatred of lip singing began several years ago. I was a music director for a radio station and we did lots and lots of live events, hanging out at clubs, etc. This particular night, it was kind of a team bonding thing. Ya' know, one of those, "hey, let's all go and hang out together for a bit of forced socializing. It'll be awkwardly fun, sort of."

So, we all decide to meet up at this bar/lounge. I walk in and am instantly uncomfortable. There are way too many people wearing cowboy hats and belt buckles the size of a six month old baby's head.



As I'm wandering around, in search of my co-workers, I hear the haunting refrains of one of my favorite songs. I'm starting to feel a bit better about the night out with my co-worker peeps. Unfortunately, my mood quickly changes when I turn around and see some odd looking, fat dude up on stage lip singing Alice In Chains' "Would."

My first impulse was to jump up on stage, get the fat dude in a headlock and rabbit punch him until be began to speak French. Then, beat him some more until he had spoken several other foreign languages. But, because I'm a fuckin' lady, I didn't do that! Also, I was, like, the only brown person in that bar and probably would have been beaten to death by all the scary hillbilly types.

I managed to endure another thirty minutes of drunk, overly animated lip singing. I was treated to everything from "Spirit in the Sky" to some country shit that I had never heard before. Finally, having taken as much as I could, I pretended that I had been stabbed, stumbled out of the bar to my car and sped away from that bar as if I had stolen something.

Long story short, I don't like lip singing.

Note to the gay mafia: Please don't take away my gay privileges as I really enjoy being gay and stuff, I just don't like Glee... or show tunes or flannel. Also, not too fond of Liza. *cough*

America's Next Top Model: Cycle 13(Ep#7) - Fierce Little Ninjas!

Previously on America's Next Top Model... Somebody got sent home.

The snarkfest begins with Nicole being upset because she doesn't think her personality is shining through.



In fact, Tyra told her that she had "lost all of her magic." Nicole is determined to change that and show us her real personality... Someday.

Meanwhile, in another room, Kara - using her pre-op tranny voice - tells the rest
of the modelettes that she's now casting for her new musical, "America's Next Top Model: The Musical"



Doesn't she know that Tyra will cut a bitch for messin' with any of Bankable Productions' shit?

The uber blonde girl get's up to "audition" for the new musical, and basically, makes fun of the fact that Laura is from the country and, quite possibly, a hillbilly.




Laura's a good sport and smiles through uber blondy's singing imitation of her. But, you just know that she's gonna put in a call to her uncle, Papa Jupiter, so that uber blonde girl can be dealt with, post-haste!

After the girls have sufficiently calmed down after receiving, yet, another piece
of Tyra mail!, the mean bitches decide that it's time to talk trash about Nicole... Again.

Kara: We should just vote Nicole off the island.
Rae: It's not her lack of social skills, it's a
lack of feeling... It's a lack of soul.
Kara: She has the social graces of a fetus.

The mean girls all cackle in unison.



Okay, even though I kind of loathe Kara, that social graces of a fetus comment
was priceless and I will be using it!

Moving on...

The girls head off to revisit the Wilhelmina Modeling Agency to meet up with Wilhelmina CEO, Sean Patterson. Sean is standing next to, yet, another supermodel named Lauren Shiohama.



Sean tells the modelettes that they are about to experience "a day in the life
of a real working model."

The girls are informed that they are all going on go-sees to meet potential clients. The girls will meet with fashion designers and casting directors
for their auditions.

They are broken up into teams of two, given their own car to get around LA in
and a map. This shit has Lucy and Ethel written all over it.

The girls race around LA from trying to complete all five go-sees within four hours.



There's not as much go-see drama as on previous seasons, unfortunately. In fact, they all play rather well together. Boring!

The fashion designers and casting directors have various critiques for the girls, ranging from positive to just mean.



Nicole gets really good feedback while Kara, not so much. One of the designers
said that Kara did not look well put together and that her hair looked greasy. Another designer described her as "scruffy". That can't be good.

In front of the casting director's, the girls are asked if they do any accents. Laura's was my favorite. She described it as "hoodrat" but it's more like a Gaelic hoodrat.




One of the casting directors had this to say about Sundai...

Casting Director: Sundai, she's very limited in what she can give us, so it
would have to be for a very specific job calling for what Sundai can offer.

Translation: If we are casting for a Kool-Aid or Popeye's chicken commercial, we will consider Sundai.

As they were driving around LA with their maps, I found myself really hoping
that one of the teams would get lost in East LA. Ohhh, what fun that would
be to see.

All of the teams make it back to Wilhelmina in time except Rae and Sundai.



Sean P. is not amused that Rae and Sundai were late getting back. He reads them the riot act and tells them to leave the room and he'll deal with them later.



The expression on his face never really changes and he doesn't raise his voice,
but, I'm pretty sure that he is kind of pissed.

Sean and Lauren give the modelettes their feedback and then reveal the winner...



Back at the ranch, all the girls gather around Nicole and her lovely prizes from
the last challenge.



One of the uber blonde girls says, "they might have just wanted you to win."
Without missing a beat, Nicole shoots back, "no, I earned this." And that,
ladies and gentlemen, is how you shut down a jealous beotch.

Speaking of jealous beotches...



Kara and Sundai resume their "we hate Nicole" trash talking fest. Kara is still having difficulty understanding why Nicole is doing so well and she is not.



Hmm, yeah... I wonder why you're not doing better in this competition either.
Hmm, yeah.

TYRA MAIL!



The girls head off to a martial arts studio to learn the ways of martial artistness and how to use weapons... while up on a wire!



I'll be honest, I kind of lost interest at this point.

Because I believe that video ALWAYS enhances an experience, here's one of Nicole critiquing Kara's smokey eye makeup. My favorite part of this clip is Sundai's reaction at the end.





Back at the crib, the girls are comparing bruises they all got from wearing the martial arts harness.



Why does the word 'harness' conjure up so many dirty thoughts? yeah, right, it's just me.

Sundai is concerned that she may be the one sent home because she knows that her performance at the last shoot sucked, PLUS, she pissed off Sean Patterson by being late back from her go-sees.



The next morning is judgment day and one of the girls will no longer be in the running to be America's Next Top Model.



The guest judge this week is supermodel Jessica White. Jessica is hot and you can tell that she knows it.



The girls are super impressed that Jessica has been in the SI Swimsuit edition
seven times.

Each girl strolls up and has their picture critiqued by the judges. Then they
all leave so the judges can decide which one of them sucks the most.

I love Tyra's serious face as she's about to take the hopes and dreams of some poor delusional young girl and crush them.



Nicole wins best picture of the week. The two modelettes who suck the most are...



No surprise that Kara and Sundai are in the bottom two this week. Tyra laments
that Kara has a great face but no passion. Sundai is the underdog but needs to
be more versatile.

So, who's going home this week?



Kara is asked to pack up her makeup bag and go. Even though Kara was definitely
not my favorite, for a variety of reasons, I felt kind of bad for her at the end.

Ahh well, that's life in the big city, kids. Be sure to join me every Saturday
for a new snark infested, fun-filled ANTM recappery.