America's Next Top Model - Cycle 16 (Episode 02)

Episode two opens with the girls coming home, presumably, from some magical place where pretty people sit around, strategizing about how to make average looking girls feel more average.

Molly won best picture last week, so all of the other models stand around, looking at Molly's picture, pretending to be happy for her. I like Molly. She seems very grounded and genuine. Of course, this is only episode 2, so, this might change.

Cut to Alexandria, yet again, forcing unwanted advice on someone. This time, it's poor, old looking Nicole who is on the receiving end of Alexandria's wisdom. What is up with this chic?

Think back to your college days. Remember that bitch who thought she was all sophisticated and knew everything, about life, because she spent a summer in France? That same girl that everybody in the dorm avoided because she would inject herself into other people's conversations, and, on occasion, say shit in french for NO GOOD REASON! Yeah, that's Alexandria. We, kind of, hate Alexandria. And by "we", I mean "me".

Ondrei and Dominique are relaxing on the couch, eating pizza and talking about stuff. Ondrei opens up about a recent family tragedy.

Dominique: You got brothers and sisters?

Ondrei: Two of my brothers died.

Then, Dominique makes this face...



I'm really not trying to be judgmental, but... this is sooo not the face to make when someone tells you that two of their siblings recently died. Dominique looks as if someone just told her that they eat buggers as snacks.

The next morning, Tyra comes visiting along with a nutritionist named Heather Bauer. Heather is there to try and teach the girls about proper nutrition. Ya' know, 'cause Skittles and blow are definitely NOT parts of the food pyramid.

Apparently, Brittani, having just come back from auditioning for Showboat,



is very excited to see Tyra and the nutritionist lady.

Heather has invented something called "Cheaties". The definition of "Cheaties" is things that seem bad, but, aren't. Hmm, I wonder if this applies to strippers? Whatever. Not important.

So, Tyra and the nutritionist lady have devised a little taste testing game for the models: While blindfolded, they taste two dishes and try to pick the healthiest dish.

The models fail miserably and pick the wrong, unhealthy dishes. So, I guess it's true what they say about pretty girls... they have horrible palettes.

Later on in the evening, some of the girls, having been inspired after chatting with the nutritionist lady, decide to clean out the fridge. They encounter something disgusting in a bowl.

Of course, this is Alexandria's cue to come over and start spouting off. Have I mentioned how much we hate her?

Anyway, so, she and Dalya get into it because Dalya thinks raw chicken should not be in a bowl, but wrapped in plastic. Alexandria points out to Dalya that she spent a summer in France, therefore, she's a raw chicken expert.

Dalya walks away, correctly surmising that Alexandria is crazy.

Even after Dalya has walked away, Alexandria is still yammering on that she's aware that raw chicken should be wrapped in plastic, even though she's the one who put it in a bowl. Shyeah.



Jaclyn, aka Scared Deer in Headlights, is afraid of Alexandria, saying, "she could woop my butt." Yes, I'm sure that she could.

Apparently, Alexandria was so upset about the Raw Chicken dustup, she needed to vent about it in the diary room.

This is the look she decided to go with *cough*



Jesus on a cracker, it's a modeling competition! I mean, shouldn't you, at least, try to look attractive? I'm pretty sure I gave this woman $2 bucks to wash my windshield, last week.

Moving on...

TYRA MAIL!

The models discover that they are about to face their worst critic. Ooooh, scary. Of course, all of us ANTM veterans know this means the ACTING CHALLENGE!

The girls meetup with Nigel and acting coach, Eugene Buica. They are there to do battle with their "inner critic." Inner critic? Have none of these girls ever had a mother? *rimshot*

The models have to draw a picture of their inner critic, then yell at it and tell it to shut up, go away and stop sending all of those inappropriate, late night text messages!

One by one, they get up to face their inner critic, and, to just vent a little. All of their silly insecurities are overshadowed by Ondrei's vent.

Ondrei vents about the deaths of her two brothers and how the men in her life, who should be sharing this moment with her, are not there. It's very, very sad. And powerful. Everybody is crying. At this point, I really just wanted to climb through my TV and give her a big hug. But, as I am not that little girl from The Ring, that wasn't going to happen.

Because jewelry makes everything better, the models each get a pair of lovely ear rings from J. Estina Jewelers.

The next day, the models head off to a photo shoot. When they arrive, Mr. Jay tells them that they will be taking pictures while bees attack their faces. BEES! LOTS AND LOTS OF BEES! Not for nothing, but, this segment really ratcheted up my bug phobia. It's a thing. I hate bugs. ALL BUGS. Bees are bugs!

As this photo shoot is just stupid, we're gonna fast forward. Suffice it to say that the killer BEES didn't kill anybody. They didn't even sting anybody. BORING!

Back at the ranch, Ondrei is talking about how she's there but not really there. Basically, she's thinking about going home.

Meanwhile, at the judges table, Andre Talley is still sporting that damn chimney sweep hat.


Andre, sweetie, I get that you are an influential fashionista. But, seriously, the hat. People are talking.

Tyra calls Ondrei up, first. Ondrei says that the photo shoot did not go well because she did not give 100%. She says she's very appreciative of the opportunity, but, she wants to go home, due to her family situation.

So, Ondrei leaves and the models all think they are safe. Psych! Tyra tells them that, even though Ondrei has left, if any of them had worse pictures than Ondrei, they will go home. WTF? I call no fair and bullshit on that!

Unfortunately, Nicole (who Tyra said looks 15 years older in her pictures) is asked to pack up her makeup bag and go home.

Be sure to join me next time for my ANTM recaps.

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America's Next Top Model - Cycle 16 (Episode 01)

Oh my God, is this show still on?! *sigh* Okay. Well, as the jaded hater that I am, I feel a certain responsibility to snark about this shit.

Don't hate the player, hate the messenger. Wait, that's not right. I really shouldn't be doing this when there's been so much spilled wine under the bed... What?

But, I digress...

Episode one opens with Tyra being all self-depricatey. See, what she's doing is making fun of America's Next Top Model (and by extension, HERSELF), by mocking the different types of girls who audition for the show. Oh, I see what you did, there, Ty Ty!

There's Psycho Barbie from Texas.



Bomquesha from Brooklyn.



Belladonna Twilight-Sucks from A Galaxy far, far away.



This season, they change things up a bit by eliminating casting week. Unbeknownst to the models, 14 of them have already been pre-selected for our viewing pleasure. And, those 14 models will, immediately, move into Casa De Wannabe so that they can create drama and fake lesbian tension for all the world to enjoy.

In an attempt to teach the models about rejection, The Jays pretend that several of them did not make the cut.

Some of the girls are all teary, sad and crying.



It's okay, sweetie, you wouldn't have won, anyway.

They gather all of the wannabe models together, give them each an envelope and tells them that those envelopes contain pictures. Unfortunately, not all of the girls will have pictures in their envelopes.

The girls who don't have pictures are going home.

In, perhaps, the cruelest, sickest, MOST AWESOME FAKEOUT IN TOP MODEL HISTORY... the girls who have pictures in their envelopes are ACTUALLY THE ONES GOING HOME!

That is sooooo mean!



Just look at how excited that one girl in the front is. That's about 17 different levels of wrong, but, oh. so. high-larious.

I would love to have seen the faked out girls' reactions when they discovered that they had been hoodwinked AND bamboozled. There had to have been, at least, ONE Jerry Springer-worthy reaction.

Ahhh well, just like it is in real life, the pretty girls get what they want. Tyra descends the staircase and lets the pretty girls in on the joke they played on the average girls. He He He.



Everybody's all excited, screaming, jumping around like their name just got called by Bob Barker or some shit. Yeah, I know that Drew Carey is the current host of The Price is Right, but, for me, Bob Barker will always be the host of that show.

TYRA MAIL!



It really is all about Tyra, isn't it? Every picture in the house is of who? TYRA! It's Tyra's world, we are all just visiting and trying to master smizing.

This is Hannah.



Hannah is fond of rocking the double ponytail look. This is a look that I, particularly, loathe. If you are above the age of 12 and still wearing your hair in schoolgirl style ponytails, you're probably a woman who spends her summers in Thailand working as a prostitute! Stop it! It's not cute. At all!

The models head off on their first adventure where they meet supermodel Erin Wasson. Giggity.



She tells the girls that they are going to participate in their first runway show, get to wear shit by Alexander Wang and some jewelry from Erin's line, called Lola.

Yes. Of course, there's a catch!

Mr. Jay informs the models that they will be walking uphill... in the snow... with wild jackals nipping at their heels.

Nah, they'll just be walking on a 12 inch plank... over water... in a bubble...



Awwww, Miss Jay makes everything better and more fierce!

This is Jaclyn, aka Baby Face.



Upon seeing the bubble, Jaclyn says:

"What if they can't get it open, and I'm stuck in that bubble for the rest of my life? Like, that went through my head a million times."

If I was granted 3 wishes, all of them would be that Jaclyn gets stuck in a bubble... for the rest of her life.

Of course, hilarity ensues as the girls try to maneuver the plank while in the bubble. You know, because people don't normally walk around in bubbles... Unless they have some crazy, rare disease where they are allergic to EVERYTHING! Then, they would, probably, need a bubble.



What if you had to live your life in a bubble, and then, one day, you farted. That would suuuuuck!

I swear, this show is becoming more and more like Fear Factor. In some future cycle, the models will have to eat actual food or something. That's when we'll know the show has jumped the shark.

UH OH...



Somebody is going home!

This is Alexandria, aka Bossy.



Alexandra is very pushy and quite confident that she is safe because of all her previous modeling experience. I love the fact that Alexandria is 21, but looks like a 35 year old bar fly. Also, I love the fact that she thinks that hat is cute.

This is Tyra's serious face. It's her, "I'm about to take somebody's dream and dropkick it across the room" face.



While the models were getting ready for their runway show in a bubble, there was a backstage photo shoot.

One by one, Tyra calls each girl up to have their best photo critiqued. Tyra never misses an opportunity to show off her posing and/or smizing skills.



With each critique, Tyra shows the girls how they should have posed and explains to them why they will never be successful models.

Then, she tells them that they are all losers and will end up living in a trailer park, married to a guy named Dusty who sells meth out of the back of his Astrovan! Umm, it's entirely possible that last bit was just me projecting.

All of the models leave the room so that the judges can talk shit about them behind their backs and decide who sucks the most.

And the bottom two are...


... Angelia and Dominique!

Sadly, Angelia is asked to pack up her makeup bag and go home. Awww, sad panda face.

Be sure to join me every Friday for my ANTM recaps. Comments, feedback always welcome. Oh yeah, follow me on Twitter, too.