America's Next Top Model - Cycle 16 (Episode 05 / Rachel Zoe)

Previously, on America's Next Top Model, blah, blah, blah.

The models make their way back to the crib and immediately start admiring the picture of Kasia, on the wall. See, she won best picture this week, and she feels like she totally deserved it because she worked really hard.

To be fair, she did a great job during the stupid, "sexy coffee" commercial. So, kudos to her.

However, she's a plus size model. So, ya know... she won't be winning.

Meanwhile, Molly continues to complain about her horrible weave.



She says that she's developed a rash from it and it's all itchy! Tyra promised to remove the bad weave job, at some point, and Molly says, she can't wait for this to happen.

Listen, Molly. If you only learn one thing from this silly competition, learn this. BEAUTY IS PAIN!!

The next morning, the models head off to some place to do something.



When they get to this place, they encounter Mr. Jay and his buddy, world renowned celebrity makeup artist, Vincent Oquendo (Mr. Vincent, if you're nasty!)

Mr. Jay continues to wave the "Top Model" carrot in the girls' faces, telling them that winning this competition will solidify their status as a top model and that is HUGE!

Shut up, Mr. Jay! Stop lying to these girls! If they're lucky, they'll get some catalog work with JC Penney, Target or Fingerhut.

Today's challenge: The models will be working on a "get the look" online video to help everyday, average cover girls take their look to the next level. Whatever that means.

When people use phrases like "the next level", it's usually because they've become too mentally exhausted from all of the bullshit they've been shoveling.

Mr. Vincent breaks down the rules of the challenge. The models will be split up into groups of three. One will be talent, one will write and one will direct.



Alexandria's team consists of her as talent, Molly as writer and Monique as director. Even though she's not the director, we all know that Alexandria is going to try and run shit.

As if on cue, Alexandria tries to take charge.

The other teams seem to be doing just fine, but, Team Alexandria is fighting, whining and being all unproductive.

Ten minutes left to go before they have to start shooting their commercial, and Alexandria whines that she doesn't feel like doing it, now.

Monique, being the AWESOME director that she is, says...

Monique: Do you want a hug, should we all hug or something? Do a three way kiss? Like, what's gonna make you feel happier?

Monique's three way kiss suggestion seems to delight Molly...

Molly: Let's have an orgy.

The fact that the first thing Monique suggested, to make Alexandria "happier", was some girl on girl action, earns her a prominent place in my "I Seriously Hope She's Lesbianish, Because That Would Be AWESOME!" Trunk 'O Wishes.

I'm just going to be honest, here. Monique has been my favorite from day one. Not because she has the most "top model" potential, but, because she's unbearably gorgeous.

It appears my shallowness knows no bounds. Yes. Yes, I know... I am part of the problem. SO?!

Mikaela rocks it, does a fantastic job, and her team wins the challenge.

Back at the ranch, Alexandria is crying on the phone with her boyfriend. She says that she's being looked at as different, because of, ya know, her bitchiness and stuff.

Cue Alexandria's backstory: She says that her parents split up because of abuse. She's the oldest child, so, she had to grow up fast. She wants the other girls in the house to understand that she's coming from a place of "helping".

Shyeah, the other girls totally don't get that.



They're all sitting around discussing Alexandria, asking if she's taking meds for her personality issues, etc.

Out of the blue, Monique suggests reading her diary. The other girls don't really try to stop her. Soooo, why not do it?!



In fairness to Monique, she only read the diary to see how Alexandria really feels about all of the other girls... and stuff.

Yeah, it was an uncool, shady thing to do. But, she's hot! So, it's okay. *cough*

Nothing juicy was found in the diary, not even bitchy comments about the other girls. How un-bitch-like of Alexandria!

What we did find out is that Alexandria has no idea why the other girls hate her and think she's a bossy bitch.

Hmmm, I think this episode was meant to try and redeem Alexandria. What could this mean?!

TYRA MAIL! mentions something about "taking a walk on the wild side." Hmmm, either the girls will be doing it gangbang style with Lou Reed OR, they'll be doing some picture taking with adorable animals!



The models make their way over to the old LA Zoo where Mr. Jay is waiting to guide them through, yet, another pointless faux modeling shoot.

SIDEBAR: A little Mr. Jay goes a long way. Where's Miss Jay?!

Anyway, Mr. Jay tells them that they will be transformed into fashion versions of animals. Weeeee! The girls are super excited about this, even though they have no idea what it entails.

For all they know, they could be forced to wear panda suits. Of course, the panda suits would be fierce, but, still.



The models get extra excited when they find out that they will be posing, wearing pieces from Rachel Zoe's faux fur collection. Yaaaaay, faux fur!

Also, they will be holding an adorable baby jaguar, named Murato.

Not for nothing, but, I would really love to have a baby jaguar as a pet. I could keep him for a few months, then, before he gets huge and decides to rip my throat out, I would release him into some stranger's backyard.

Hey, don't judge!

Most of the models do well on the shoot. But, ya' know, one of them still has to go home. :(

So, off they go to the judges' table to be, you know, judged.



I'm always amazed at the big, happy smile on Alexandria's face. She, clearly, has no idea that she is loathed.

I was really hoping that the guest judge, this week, would be the baby jaguar. He'd be sitting behind the judges' table wearing a beret, some aviator glasses and a smirk. He'd be, all, "That bitch was tryin' to upstage Murato. UNACCEPTABLE!"

But, it was just Rachel Zoe and her ginormous finger broach.



So, which models are in the bottom two, this week?



Awww, it's Molly "bad weave" and Dalya.

Unfortunately, Dalya is asked to pack up her makeup bag and go home. Too bad. Dalya has a great face and bone structure. IMO, she went home too early. Oh well... "It's Tyra's vision, girl."

Be sure to join me next time for another snark filled adventure...!

Comments and feedback always welcome. Also, feel free to stalk me on The Twitter @XanxiuZ.

America's Next Top Model - Cycle 16 (Episode 04 / Francesco Carrozzini)

Last time, on America's Next Top Model... stuff happened, a girl went home and, unfortunately, Alexandria got best pic of the week. Boooooo!

As Tyra handed Alexandria her picture, she tempered the best pic praise with a warning: "Bad attitudes will not be tolerated." Yaaaaaaay!

Alexandria seemed to take that to heart. In the diary room, she, basically, says that she doesn't want to come off as a person with a bad attitude. Okay. That's odd, because she's so good at it.

Meanwhile...



Kasia, Jaclyn, Dalya and Brittani are sitting around the table bemoaning the fact that Alexandria got best picture, this week.

Brittani says, she's surprised, because real top models are so unbitchy and not divas at all. *cough*

Two Words: Naomi Campbell. With or without a weaponized cell phone in her hand, that woman strikes fear into the hearts of maids, limo drivers and sycophants the world over.

It seems that the consensus, in the house, is that they all, pretty much, hate Alexandria and really, really want her to go home.

TYRA MAIL!



The models head over to a seedy looking warehouse, for a runway challenge.

Miss Jay greets them and tells them that they will be modeling the latest collection from Geoffrey Mac. Yaaaaaaay!

Oh yeah, and the runway will be ON FIRE! Umm...



Anytime I feel the need to question the stunts on this show, I hear this little voice in my head.. "It's Tyra's vision, girl. Just go with it." Then, I do another shot of tequila.

As the models are staring wide-eyed at the flaming runway, Miss Jay says:

"There's one more thing. *DRAMATIC PAUSE* Did I happen to mention that we'll, also, be lighting YOU on fire, tonight?!"

Say, WHAT?! Seriously, maybe somebody needs to alert OSHA to these dangerous working conditions, because, I mean... "It's Tyra's vision, girl. Just go with it."

Miss Jay sends the models off to hair, makeup and to get set on fire.

Oh, so just their hands will be on fire? And, they'll be wearing protective gloves? What a jip!

Needless to say, no one caught on fire or had a stop, drop and roll moment.


I'll tell you what WAS on fire! Dayla's runway walk. See what I just did, there? See?!

Dalya won the runway challenge, because she was fierce.

At the end of the runway challenge, Miss Jay critiqued each model's walk. The worst walkers were Sara, Hannah and Kasia.

Because they were the worst walkers... and needed more walking practice, Miss Jay told them that they would be walking home.

They were surprised.



So, they walk home.

They try to make the best of it by staging an impromptu runway (sidewalk) strut. But, ya know, they still kind of suck at the runway walkiness.

As soon as the three worst walkers arrive back at the Ponderosa...

TYRA MAIL!

The mail mentions "causing a scene," which the models quickly decipher to mean ACTING! Oh. No!

A script gets delivered and the models get to work memorizing their lines.

The commercial is a throwback to the 60s, a la Mad Men. There's a Don Draper type ad exec sitting behind his desk. He's agonizing over how he's going to make coffee sexy.



Enter two sexy secretaries who, sexily, help him come up with a sexy ad campaign... that is sexy.

A few of the models have difficulty bringing the sexy, especially Sara. Sara fancies herself a feminist and obviously feels a bit awkward doing this sillyass, fake commercial. I can't say that I blame her.

Uh ohhh...



It's that time, again. Time for the models to stand before the judges, and be critiqued, as if any of them really have a chance to be successful models.



Francesco Carrozzini, who appears to be around 4' 7", is guest judging this week.

Along with the judges, we, the viewers are forced to sit through all of the models' really bad commercials. Then, the judges do what they do.

During Alexandria's critique, Francesco narcs her out and says she was trying to direct other models and, generally, trying to run the show.

Ty Ty is not amused to hear this.

Bottom two this week..



Sara and Alexadria.

Could it be that Alexandria is finally going home?!

Booooooo, Sara is asked to pack up her makeup bag and go home. :-( I really liked Sara. Cute, quirky, funny. But, alas, not a Top Model.

Be sure to join me next time for another snark filled adventure as I recap America's Next Top Model!

Comments and feedback always welcome. Also, feel free to stalk me on The Twitter @XanxiuZ.

America's Next Top Model - Cycle 16 (Episode 03 / Lori Goldstein)

Previously, on America's Next Top Model... some girl was sent packing.

The models arrive back home to see Hannah's picture hanging on the wall. Everybody's all, "look how beautiful she is and stuff... Oh, what's that?!"



First of all, if you ever see a "Pull Me" sign or some strange man asks you to pull anything, you should run the other way. But, no! These girls make a beeline for the "Pull Me" sign, and, of course, they pull it. Amateurs!

A screen falls down and it's filled with all sorts of different makeover descriptions.

MAKEOVER WEEEEEEK!

All of the girls stand around trying to guess what their makeovers will be.



Sara opines that she's pretty sure she'll get the "Manly Short Brown Spikes" because she's considered the "androgynous" one.



She says that she enjoys being androgynous, but, sometimes a girl just wants to get all tarted up. She implores Tyra to give her a weave and/or some extensions.

The next morning, the models head to a salon for their fabulous new makeovers...



Umm, hold up. I'm gonna need a minute to fully process the look Miss Jay is going for, right here. *takes a tequila break*

Meanwhile, back at the salon, the Jays tell the girls that, after they get their makeovers, there will be a photo shoot.

The models are still a wee bit nervous because none of them wants to get their hair cut. They all whine about it... incessantly.

SERIOUSLY?! This show has been on since the early 70s! Every season, some makeover involves hair cutting. SHUT UP ABOUT IT, ALREADY!

Most of the makeovers go very well... Most of them.



Poor Molly. She looks like Dee Snider coming off of a weekend long meth bender. Understandably, she's miserable about it. Ya' know, because it's hideous. But, Molly is a trooper and doesn't really complain... too much.

On the limo ride home, Molly is a super unhappy camper.



Of course, all the other bitches take this opportunity to, basically, point and laugh at her because of the jacked up weave.

Alexandria tells Molly that she should have gone all Diva, on the hair stylist, when she realized that the weave was a lost cause.

She was, all, "you shoulda been, like, nuh uhn, bitch. No, you didn't just jack my weave. Nuh uhn. Naw, no way. Naw. Get Tyra on the muthafuckin phone!"

Alexandria gives really bad advice, and, yes.. we still hate her.

TYRA MAIL!

Tyra mails are always stupidly cryptic. This one says something about photosynthesis. Some of the girls think they'll be doing a photo shoot dressed as flowers. But, most of them just, kind of, stare blankly at the screen.

McLovin? Is that you?



Sara steps into the diary room to whine about her short hair.

Listen, Sara. The sooner you realize that this has absolutely nothing to do with you, and EVERYTHING to do with TYRA'S VISION, the better off you will be!

The next morning, the girls visit some sort of ranch where they meet fashion stylist, Lori Goldstein.

Mr. Jay tells them that today is all about couture and they will be posing in groups of couture awesomeness!



For some reason, every "couture" shoot on ANTM has the models dressed up like 17th century gothic whores. What's that about? Oh yeah, it's Tyra's vision.

Not for nothing, but, Dominique's new makeover kind of makes her look like the Cowardly Lion's daughter. Is that the look Ty Ty was going for?



Dominique is sad because during the gothic whores couture shoot, Mr. Jay gave her some constructive critiques. He tells her that the worst thing a model can NOT have is inspiration. This makes Dominique cry.

Seems to me that there are other "worst things a model can NOT have" that would trump "inspiration." How about teeth, Mr. Jay? Or, a normal sized forehead? Two eyes (non-crossed, preferably)?

I suspect that Mr. Jay just wanted some camera time, and just made that shit up, on the spot.



Uh oh...

It's time for the girls to go stand before the judges and allow them to summarily critique, belittle and advise them to seriously consider getting or keeping their day jobs.



At this point, I'm convinced that Andre's chimney sweep hat has been stapled to his head. Every week? Seriously?

One by one, the girls step forward in groups. First up is Monique and Alexandria. All of the judges agree that Alexandria stands out in the group photo, however... being a whiny diva bitch, on set, when you are, essentially, a nobody in the industry is unacceptable. I'm paraphrasing.

Alexandria looks as if she's about to cry. Hahahahahaha! Good stuff.

When Dominique's group steps up, Nigel says that she just looked lost, in her group shot. Tyra says that it looked as if she'd lost her spirit. And.... Dominique, pretty much, agrees.

Bottom two, this week...



Cowardly Lion's daughter and McLovin. So, who goes home?

Unfortunately, Dominique is asked to pack up her makeup bag and go home. Kinda sucks, because, she had a fun personality.

Be sure to join me next time for another snark filled, potentially, angry recap of America's Next Top Model!

Comments and feedback always welcome. Also, feel free to stalk me on The Twitter @XanxiuZ.

I'm Pretty Sure I Have A Bug Phobia!

On the Gay Lady spectrum, I fall somewhere between "Butch" and "Only Wears Makeup on Special Occasions"


I own, about, 25 pairs of shoes. Mostly skate shoes, a few pairs of flip flops, a couple of pairs of Doc Martens, and one lonely pair of flats that I've worn, maybe, 3 times.

Around the house, I'm the "fixer." Shit breaks down or stops working, that's all me. Computer having problems? Yep, that's me, too. Spiders? Umm... that would be my sister's department. My super girly, always touching up her makeup, looking in the mirror, flirting with cute guys, high heels wearing sister!

I used to think that, like most people, I just didn't like bugs. They're creepy and crawly and, generally disgusting. Anything that low to the ground and moves that fast is not to be trusted. Don't even get me started on babies and elves!

I suspected that my dislike for bugs had become a full blown phobia the first time I had to call my sister downstairs to deal with a, particularly menacing looking, spider that was lurking in the kitchen.

Thinking back on it, I'm pretty sure the spider had a knife.

My sister came downstairs, wearing her favorite multi-colored toe socks, murdered the spider, then looked at me with, what I can only describe as a mixture of disdain and smugness. No remorse for killing the spider, though. That concerned me. I mean, shouldn't there be some remorse? I know it's just a bug. But, still.

Here's the thing. If some grown ass human gets in your face, I got your back. I'm right there to handle what needs handling. I'll even backhand a toddler, if necessary.

BUT, if a cricket steps to you with bad intentions? Guess what? My ass will be in the car. Engine running. Radio on, listening to Love Songs with Delilah.

Oh yeah, I'm not crazy about birds, either. *cough*

America's Next Top Model - Cycle 16 (Episode 02)

Episode two opens with the girls coming home, presumably, from some magical place where pretty people sit around, strategizing about how to make average looking girls feel more average.

Molly won best picture last week, so all of the other models stand around, looking at Molly's picture, pretending to be happy for her. I like Molly. She seems very grounded and genuine. Of course, this is only episode 2, so, this might change.

Cut to Alexandria, yet again, forcing unwanted advice on someone. This time, it's poor, old looking Nicole who is on the receiving end of Alexandria's wisdom. What is up with this chic?

Think back to your college days. Remember that bitch who thought she was all sophisticated and knew everything, about life, because she spent a summer in France? That same girl that everybody in the dorm avoided because she would inject herself into other people's conversations, and, on occasion, say shit in french for NO GOOD REASON! Yeah, that's Alexandria. We, kind of, hate Alexandria. And by "we", I mean "me".

Ondrei and Dominique are relaxing on the couch, eating pizza and talking about stuff. Ondrei opens up about a recent family tragedy.

Dominique: You got brothers and sisters?

Ondrei: Two of my brothers died.

Then, Dominique makes this face...



I'm really not trying to be judgmental, but... this is sooo not the face to make when someone tells you that two of their siblings recently died. Dominique looks as if someone just told her that they eat buggers as snacks.

The next morning, Tyra comes visiting along with a nutritionist named Heather Bauer. Heather is there to try and teach the girls about proper nutrition. Ya' know, 'cause Skittles and blow are definitely NOT parts of the food pyramid.

Apparently, Brittani, having just come back from auditioning for Showboat,



is very excited to see Tyra and the nutritionist lady.

Heather has invented something called "Cheaties". The definition of "Cheaties" is things that seem bad, but, aren't. Hmm, I wonder if this applies to strippers? Whatever. Not important.

So, Tyra and the nutritionist lady have devised a little taste testing game for the models: While blindfolded, they taste two dishes and try to pick the healthiest dish.

The models fail miserably and pick the wrong, unhealthy dishes. So, I guess it's true what they say about pretty girls... they have horrible palettes.

Later on in the evening, some of the girls, having been inspired after chatting with the nutritionist lady, decide to clean out the fridge. They encounter something disgusting in a bowl.

Of course, this is Alexandria's cue to come over and start spouting off. Have I mentioned how much we hate her?

Anyway, so, she and Dalya get into it because Dalya thinks raw chicken should not be in a bowl, but wrapped in plastic. Alexandria points out to Dalya that she spent a summer in France, therefore, she's a raw chicken expert.

Dalya walks away, correctly surmising that Alexandria is crazy.

Even after Dalya has walked away, Alexandria is still yammering on that she's aware that raw chicken should be wrapped in plastic, even though she's the one who put it in a bowl. Shyeah.



Jaclyn, aka Scared Deer in Headlights, is afraid of Alexandria, saying, "she could woop my butt." Yes, I'm sure that she could.

Apparently, Alexandria was so upset about the Raw Chicken dustup, she needed to vent about it in the diary room.

This is the look she decided to go with *cough*



Jesus on a cracker, it's a modeling competition! I mean, shouldn't you, at least, try to look attractive? I'm pretty sure I gave this woman $2 bucks to wash my windshield, last week.

Moving on...

TYRA MAIL!

The models discover that they are about to face their worst critic. Ooooh, scary. Of course, all of us ANTM veterans know this means the ACTING CHALLENGE!

The girls meetup with Nigel and acting coach, Eugene Buica. They are there to do battle with their "inner critic." Inner critic? Have none of these girls ever had a mother? *rimshot*

The models have to draw a picture of their inner critic, then yell at it and tell it to shut up, go away and stop sending all of those inappropriate, late night text messages!

One by one, they get up to face their inner critic, and, to just vent a little. All of their silly insecurities are overshadowed by Ondrei's vent.

Ondrei vents about the deaths of her two brothers and how the men in her life, who should be sharing this moment with her, are not there. It's very, very sad. And powerful. Everybody is crying. At this point, I really just wanted to climb through my TV and give her a big hug. But, as I am not that little girl from The Ring, that wasn't going to happen.

Because jewelry makes everything better, the models each get a pair of lovely ear rings from J. Estina Jewelers.

The next day, the models head off to a photo shoot. When they arrive, Mr. Jay tells them that they will be taking pictures while bees attack their faces. BEES! LOTS AND LOTS OF BEES! Not for nothing, but, this segment really ratcheted up my bug phobia. It's a thing. I hate bugs. ALL BUGS. Bees are bugs!

As this photo shoot is just stupid, we're gonna fast forward. Suffice it to say that the killer BEES didn't kill anybody. They didn't even sting anybody. BORING!

Back at the ranch, Ondrei is talking about how she's there but not really there. Basically, she's thinking about going home.

Meanwhile, at the judges table, Andre Talley is still sporting that damn chimney sweep hat.


Andre, sweetie, I get that you are an influential fashionista. But, seriously, the hat. People are talking.

Tyra calls Ondrei up, first. Ondrei says that the photo shoot did not go well because she did not give 100%. She says she's very appreciative of the opportunity, but, she wants to go home, due to her family situation.

So, Ondrei leaves and the models all think they are safe. Psych! Tyra tells them that, even though Ondrei has left, if any of them had worse pictures than Ondrei, they will go home. WTF? I call no fair and bullshit on that!

Unfortunately, Nicole (who Tyra said looks 15 years older in her pictures) is asked to pack up her makeup bag and go home.

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