Oh my God, is this show still on?! *sigh* Okay. Well, as the jaded hater that I am, I feel a certain responsibility to snark about this shit.

Don't hate the player, hate the messenger. Wait, that's not right. I really shouldn't be doing this when there's been so much spilled wine under the bed... What?

But, I digress...

Episode one opens with Tyra being all self-depricatey. See, what she's doing is making fun of America's Next Top Model (and by extension, HERSELF), by mocking the different types of girls who audition for the show. Oh, I see what you did, there, Ty Ty!

There's Psycho Barbie from Texas.



Bomquesha from Brooklyn.



Belladonna Twilight-Sucks from A Galaxy far, far away.



This season, they change things up a bit by eliminating casting week. Unbeknownst to the models, 14 of them have already been pre-selected for our viewing pleasure. And, those 14 models will, immediately, move into Casa De Wannabe so that they can create drama and fake lesbian tension for all the world to enjoy.

In an attempt to teach the models about rejection, The Jays pretend that several of them did not make the cut.

Some of the girls are all teary, sad and crying.



It's okay, sweetie, you wouldn't have won, anyway.

They gather all of the wannabe models together, give them each an envelope and tells them that those envelopes contain pictures. Unfortunately, not all of the girls will have pictures in their envelopes.

The girls who don't have pictures are going home.


In, perhaps, the cruelest, sickest, MOST AWESOME FAKEOUT IN TOP MODEL HISTORY... the girls who have pictures in their envelopes are ACTUALLY THE ONES GOING HOME!

That is sooooo mean!



Just look at how excited that one girl in the front is. That's about 17 different levels of wrong, but, oh. so. high-larious.

I would love to have seen the faked out girls' reactions when they discovered that they had been hoodwinked AND bamboozled. There had to have been, at least, ONE Jerry Springer-worthy reaction.

Ahhh well, just like it is in real life, the pretty girls get what they want. Tyra descends the staircase and lets the pretty girls in on the joke they played on the average girls. He He He.



Everybody's all excited, screaming, jumping around like their name just got called by Bob Barker or some shit. Yeah, I know that Drew Carey is the current host of The Price is Right, but, for me, Bob Barker will always be the host of that show.

TYRA MAIL!



It really is all about Tyra, isn't it? Every picture in the house is of who? TYRA! It's Tyra's world, we are all just visiting and trying to master smizing.

This is Hannah.



Hannah is fond of rocking the double ponytail look. This is a look that I, particularly, loathe. If you are above the age of 12 and still wearing your hair in schoolgirl style ponytails, you're probably a woman who spends her summers in Thailand working as a prostitute! Stop it! It's not cute. At all!

The models head off on their first adventure where they meet supermodel Erin Wasson. Giggity.



She tells the girls that they are going to participate in their first runway show, get to wear shit by Alexander Wang and some jewelry from Erin's line, called Lola.

Yes. Of course, there's a catch!

Mr. Jay informs the models that they will be walking uphill... in the snow... with wild jackals nipping at their heels.

Nah, they'll just be walking on a 12 inch plank... over water... in a bubble...



Awwww, Miss Jay makes everything better and more fierce!

This is Jaclyn, aka Baby Face.



Upon seeing the bubble, Jaclyn says:

"What if they can't get it open, and I'm stuck in that bubble for the rest of my life? Like, that went through my head a million times."

If I was granted 3 wishes, all of them would be that Jaclyn gets stuck in a bubble... for the rest of her life.

Of course, hilarity ensues as the girls try to maneuver the plank while in the bubble. You know, because people don't normally walk around in bubbles... Unless they have some crazy, rare disease where they are allergic to EVERYTHING! Then, they would, probably, need a bubble.



What if you had to live your life in a bubble, and then, one day, you farted. That would suuuuuck!

I swear, this show is becoming more and more like Fear Factor. In some future cycle, the models will have to eat actual food or something. That's when we'll know the show has jumped the shark.

UH OH...



Somebody is going home!

This is Alexandria, aka Bossy.



Alexandra is very pushy and quite confident that she is safe because of all her previous modeling experience. I love the fact that Alexandria is 21, but looks like a 35 year old bar fly. Also, I love the fact that she thinks that hat is cute.

This is Tyra's serious face. It's her, "I'm about to take somebody's dream and dropkick it across the room" face.



While the models were getting ready for their runway show in a bubble, there was a backstage photo shoot.

One by one, Tyra calls each girl up to have their best photo critiqued. Tyra never misses an opportunity to show off her posing and/or smizing skills.



With each critique, Tyra shows the girls how they should have posed and explains to them why they will never be successful models.

Then, she tells them that they are all losers and will end up living in a trailer park, married to a guy named Dusty who sells meth out of the back of his Astrovan! Umm, it's entirely possible that last bit was just me projecting.

All of the models leave the room so that the judges can talk shit about them behind their backs and decide who sucks the most.

And the bottom two are...


... Angelia and Dominique!

Sadly, Angelia is asked to pack up her makeup bag and go home. Awww, sad panda face.

Be sure to join me every Friday for my ANTM recaps. Comments, feedback always welcome. Oh yeah, follow me on Twitter, too.