April 23, 2009
April 20, 2009
Hey faux hawk dude in the Palms casino parking lot...
I am silently judging you!
I find going out to the local casinos and gambling away my (not so) hard earned money to be relaxing. Even though the casinos in Vegas seem to be overrun with old ladies wearing hideously ugly sweaters with cats and birds embroidered all over them, I usually enjoy my time there. Sometimes I lose, and sometimes I lose, but, it's usually enjoyable.
Speaking of old ladies who loiter in casinos.. I'm convinced that the reason so many senior ladies have a bit of a hump in their back is not due to osteoporosis, NO! It's all of those fucking players cards they have dangling from around their necks. The average old lady in a casino is carrying an extra 20 pounds around her neck because she has 27,000 players cards hanging from that damn day-glo green lanyard. And, they always know exactly which card to grab, which they usually do just as you both are moving towards the same slot machine. It's their non-verbal way of saying "don't even think about it, 'cause I will cut a bitch!"
Last Saturday night, I'm in The Palms casino parking lot getting ready to leave. I see this dude standing off to the side having an animated conversation on his cell phone. It's obviously an important conversation 'cause a) it's 2am on a Saturday night, b) he's got a really severe faux hawk and c) his shirt is very tight and quite shiny.
As I'm marveling at his super fantastic do and that shiny, tight shirt, he just whips it out and takes a piss right there in the fuckin' Palms casino parking lot! WHAT?!
He was just so casual about it.. cell phone in one hand, junk in the other...
For some reason, when I recount this story, I hear really loud circus music in my head.. Don't ask, just go with it.
When he notices me staring at him, he freezes like a deer in headlights for a few seconds, then kind of scurries behind one of the pillars in front of the casino. Dude, REALLY?! Have we devolved so much as a society that we can't even be bothered to use the inside toilet?
So yeah Palms Pee-Man, I'm judging you right now.. Deal with it!
I find going out to the local casinos and gambling away my (not so) hard earned money to be relaxing. Even though the casinos in Vegas seem to be overrun with old ladies wearing hideously ugly sweaters with cats and birds embroidered all over them, I usually enjoy my time there. Sometimes I lose, and sometimes I lose, but, it's usually enjoyable.
Speaking of old ladies who loiter in casinos.. I'm convinced that the reason so many senior ladies have a bit of a hump in their back is not due to osteoporosis, NO! It's all of those fucking players cards they have dangling from around their necks. The average old lady in a casino is carrying an extra 20 pounds around her neck because she has 27,000 players cards hanging from that damn day-glo green lanyard. And, they always know exactly which card to grab, which they usually do just as you both are moving towards the same slot machine. It's their non-verbal way of saying "don't even think about it, 'cause I will cut a bitch!"
Last Saturday night, I'm in The Palms casino parking lot getting ready to leave. I see this dude standing off to the side having an animated conversation on his cell phone. It's obviously an important conversation 'cause a) it's 2am on a Saturday night, b) he's got a really severe faux hawk and c) his shirt is very tight and quite shiny.
As I'm marveling at his super fantastic do and that shiny, tight shirt, he just whips it out and takes a piss right there in the fuckin' Palms casino parking lot! WHAT?!
He was just so casual about it.. cell phone in one hand, junk in the other...
For some reason, when I recount this story, I hear really loud circus music in my head.. Don't ask, just go with it.
When he notices me staring at him, he freezes like a deer in headlights for a few seconds, then kind of scurries behind one of the pillars in front of the casino. Dude, REALLY?! Have we devolved so much as a society that we can't even be bothered to use the inside toilet?
So yeah Palms Pee-Man, I'm judging you right now.. Deal with it!
April 12, 2009
Happy Easter Jesus, here's your chocolate bunny!
If Jesus ever does really come back, he's gonna be pissed.. for so many reasons.
April 11, 2009
The economy stole my soap!
Due to the bad economy, all of us are tightening our belts, sashes, or whatever we use to keep our pants from dropping down around our ankles.
So, I'm in the shower this morning mindlessly scrubbing my bits and pieces when I realize that the teeny, tiny sliver of soap that I was using has mysteriously gone missing. Initially, I panic because who wouldn't panic at the thought of a random piece of soap stuck in her vajayjay?
Since my new mindset is to always try to counter balance a negative thought with a positive one, here's what I came up with:
Worst case scenario: My cooch will be like catnip to Leprechauns and old Irish dudes.
Best case scenario: My cooch will smell like Irish Spring all day.
I think I'm okay with either scenario.
So, I'm in the shower this morning mindlessly scrubbing my bits and pieces when I realize that the teeny, tiny sliver of soap that I was using has mysteriously gone missing. Initially, I panic because who wouldn't panic at the thought of a random piece of soap stuck in her vajayjay?
Since my new mindset is to always try to counter balance a negative thought with a positive one, here's what I came up with:
Worst case scenario: My cooch will be like catnip to Leprechauns and old Irish dudes.
Best case scenario: My cooch will smell like Irish Spring all day.
I think I'm okay with either scenario.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)